Omigaw, I'm going to KILL my youngest daughter.
Within the past couple of months, she has developed a case of sensory integration disorder that makes anything the OG went through look like NOTHIN', I tell you.
It started with clothes, probably about a year ago. Some are "TOO TIGHT!" and others are "TOO LOOSE!" and yet still others are "TOO SCRATCHY!" or "TOO OVERALLS!" (a.k.a jeans or denim). As a result, the former clothes horse, and collector of beyootiful fancy dresses, now has a sum total of about five outfits that she will wear.
Sadly, one of those outfits does not happen to be tights and a leotard, which is a damn shame, because her Grandma Shirley very nicely agreed to pay for a semi-expensive Saturday morning dance class for her.
Now, without a doubt, the YG LIKES dance class. She has a nice teacher who does very awesome age-appropriate dancey activities, and a class full o'four year olds that are diabetes-inducing SWEET.
HOWEVER, this does not stop her from having a goddamn 20-minute temper tantrum Every. Saturday. Morning. When it is time to get dressed. It does not matter that she likes the class. It does not matter that she knows she will quickly get used to the tights (specially purchased with NO FEET IN THEM, due to the "lines in the toes" debacle of Week One).
It does not matter that she knows we will put them on anyway, despite the tantrum, and that we will go to class anyway, sobbing and sniffling notwithstanding. Positive reinforcement does not work. This week we will try to dress her in them the night before, but I am reasonably sure that this will just be a disaster scheduled for Friday night instead of Saturday morning.
The worst part of all this, however, is her most sensitive reaction...and this is to chewing. More to the point, MY chewing.
Now, I DO NOT chew with my mouth open. The Man, horrifically sensitive to this himself, would never have gone on a second date with me if I did. (Hello, genetics! This is ALL HIS FUCKIN' FAULT.) Sometimes it's the OG that bothers her - who does in fact chew with her mouth open - but usually, it's just me.
No, the YG does not like the sound - or SIGHT - of me chewing, just normally. Gum, food, anything. We have now gone through several weeks of shrieking fits because I'm...um, EATING. Or fucking CHEWING GUM, because I'm on a fucking diet and can't fucking eat anything. And, I chew gum on the way home from work, when I'm hungry...so, when I pick her up, it often results in her shrieking the entire way home, kicking the back of my seat, howling "I CAN STILL HEAR YOU CHEWING! I CAN STILL HEAR YOU CHEWING!", with her hands clapped over her ears.
Tonight - after being sent to time out for quite some time due to today's car incident - she emerged for dinner. When she saw me at the table, she whimpered "I...JUST...DON'T WANT DINNER!" and left the room. (The OG - who is THE AWESOMEST GIRL IN THE WORLD ALL THE TIME THESE DAYS - just smirked, ate her tacos, and not-so-subtly talked about how good HER dessert was gonna taste.)
So, at about 7:00 - me all done, of course - my miserable, hungry, four-year-old comes out and says, "I'm ready to eat my dinner now."
What am I gonna say to that? No? No food for you, you crazy insane lunatic? Because I swear, I was effin' tempted to do JUST THAT.
Time to go do research on THIS ONE now. I've got "Sensational Kids" on my Amazon list...anyone got another one that they like?
Oh, and Your Daily Palin:
She cannot name ONE. NEWSPAPER. AND SHE WAS A JOURNALISM MAJOR!!!
"Oh, yah, I read ALL of 'em, Katie!"
Gaah. You know, the conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if they're not totally setting us up for the debates. Like, we think she's going to be a gibbering idiot, but it turns out to be a big lie, and she's not really.
Mark my words, they are going to say she won the debate if she can utter her full name without stumbling over it. This is what is going to happen.
Windows is shutting down, and grammar are
On their last leg. So what am we to do?
A letter of complaint go just so far,
Proving the only one in step are you.
Better, perhaps, to simply let it goes.
A sentence have to be screwed pretty bad
Before they gets to where you doesnt knows
The meaning what it must of meant to had.
The meteor have hit. Extinction spread,
But evolution do not stop for that.
A mutant languages rise from the dead
And all them rules is suddenly old hat.
Too bad for we, us what has had so long
The best seat from the only game in town.
But there it am, and whom can say its wrong?
Those are the break. Windows is shutting down.
(Guardian, April 27, 2005)