Porn! Foot Fetish! Lindsay Lohan! Scrapbooking!

(shhh...I'm trying to get my hits counter to 10,000 by September 9, which is one year from when I started counting.)

And, no, I don't want to hear about all your damn hits per day, superbloggers. The ones that get mentioned in magazines and recognized in public.

Some of us just have a small, quiet, dignified readership. Hmph.
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According to SiteMeter, my most accidental hits come from these two posts:

Keira Knightley's Jaw
My accidental - and I'll swear to that on a stack of Monty Python and Mel Brooks movies - hit on the GrannyRiders website

So, now that you're here...first group, isn't Keira Knightley's jaw very attractive, and strong, for a thin girl?

And second group....EWWWW!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAA

Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested today in the Minneapolis airport for "lewd sexual conduct" in the men's room.

Word from the senator's camp is that it was a "he said/he said" misunderstanding.

OK, I'm giving up on this thread. It's just getting repetitive now. I guess that we can just assume that if you're a gay Republican, you will get your karmic comeuppance, after you do something really really friggin' stupid.

Be warned.

Ted Nugent on Sean Hannity from July

From Salon:

"Hannity had Nugent on his Fox Show in July to discuss a blog post in which a writer said he had 'dibs' on Rush Limbaugh if it ever became legal to shoot him, and that others would be 'welcome to' Nugent if they wanted him. Hannity said he took such threats seriously, and he asked Nugent if people who make them ought to be arrested. Nugent's answer: Yes.

'You know, I'm an American. I love all Americans. And I would help any American pursue their dreams and their pursuit of happiness,' Nugent told Hannity. 'But you find that the left, there's a lunatic fringe on the left that literally are trying to force us to comply to their outline of life. And I find it just reprehensible that they would recommend violence, not to mention murder and shooting people and assassinating people. This is bizarre.'

More Gay Republican Tragedy

See? SEE?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make light of murder/suicide. I cannot imagine the pain that the families of these men are going through, and I wish with all my heart that it had not happened.

BUT.

I believe that there is a cautionary tale here, one that keeps playing out, over and over again.

For the record:

If you are gay, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, join the Republican Party. They preach hatred and discrimination against you and others like you. (Yes, many are secretly gay themselves, and this may lend itself to fun, hot, "taboo" sexual encounters, but this is not enough of a reason to enmesh yourselves with people who will only cause you to HATE YOURSELF and thus to make extremely poor life decisions.)

I loves me the gays. Oh, my friends, please, please, abandon this Republican culture that hates you. Head on over to some of their websites...say, Free Republic...and search for the term "faggot," and prepare for a pretty huge number of hits. They won't even make you richer, like some of you think they will. Look at the economy for the past eight years, and compare it to the previous eight, if you think I'm lying.

Quit hiding in self-loathing isolation. Cross over, children! Come into the light! Come out, come over, and join our ranks. We need you, your activism, your culture, your passion, and your contributions. When we take back over - the presidency, for starters, and the Supreme Court, as soon as we bloody well can - it's going to be all good.
------------------------------
Speaking of outrage...who's going to go arrest Ted Nugent for getting caught on video waving a machine gun around and saying that Barack Obama (the "piece of shit") and Hillary Clinton (the "worthless bitch") should "suck on it" and "ride it," respectively?

Now, if I can't bring a goddamn water bottle on an airplane - and I've never fired so much as a BB gun - surely this merits some involvement from Homeland Security, doesn't it?
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OK, Mister Digital Scale. (I assume you are a man, because you are a dick.) Two days, scrupulous point-counting, and exercise, and all you give me is a half-pound off so far*?

You want to play it that way? Fine. Oh, we'll play, mofo; we'll play.

Egg Beaters for breakfast, and pea pods and tuna for lunch. Fucker.

*I swear, I can remember, in college, that I once lost 17 pounds in three weeks. And I think all I did was give up beer and pizza.

Really!?!

I stepped on the scale this morning.

Really!?!

I admit to having eaten and drunk with semi-abandon while on vacation, but that was for the sum total of like 17 days, out of 90. I eat egg beaters and sliced turkey for approximately 75% of the summer, and I still weigh this, this horrifying amount, that I have not weighed in several years? Really?

This is completely impossible. Really. I did let the exercise slip...a bit...OK, a lot...but this cannot be possible; I didn't STOP exercising, refuse to leave the couch, and eat whole sticks of butter while watching "World Series of Pop Culture" marathons! Really!

I was hoping to avoid this, but I have to go back to Weight Watchers.

Really.

------------------
That was, of course, stolen from one of the few funny things I've seen on "SNL" this year, back when all Michael Vick had to worry about was being caught with a little pot on a plane: "'Really!?!' with Seth and Amy."

Working is hard!

So sorry I haven't posted...I've had to return to work, after 12 weeks off.

And, it's soooo hard!

Your condolences are greatly appreciated at this time.

----------------------
From Badger...

God, I will never get any respect if I don't start scoring significantly better on these things. I'm totally not trying to lie on them, either!

There's Not a Violent Bone in Your Body

You're cool and collected, even when someone really gets under your skin. And while you don't blow up when you're angry, you know how to express your anger calmly. You don't bottle emotions up or let them get out of control. For you, violence would never be an option.

Could You Be Violent?

Your Personality is 56% Addictive

You may have an addictive personality, but you have it mostly under check. Just don't start any new bad habits, okay?

Do You Have an Addictive Personality?

In Which The Man is An Ass

So, since I've been diagnosed with the Meneire's Disease, I requested a formal, retroactive apology for the 13 years of teasing for being clumsy that I've endured from The Man.

He responded, "No, because you're still clumsy, there's just a reason for it!"
---------------------
McJo's Poker Tournament results: I came in seventh, out of 32 people. The top five got money, starting at like $30 and going up to like $450.

In a nutshell, I played Texas Hold-Em poker for 10 1/2 hours - in my house, which is of course wrecked due to 32 people traipsing through it all day - and I got jack shit for the effort, except for the pride of being the last woman at the final table.

It's two in the morning, more than 12 hours since we started, and the game is still going on, outside my bedroom door. And, if you can believe this...I am so pissed that I'm not still playing right now, I cannot even begin to tell you. (I'm oddly competitive, for a pacifist.)

Wah, yes, I do b'lieve I'd love an Ambien, thank yew very much! And, good night! Bastards!

It's a Bloggerspiracy!

They will NOT let my link about purple plates work! I've tried to link to several different sites, and it will absolutely not work.

WHY, I ask you, WHY, do they NOT want you to know about this?

Fine. You will just have to go to your Google - or try www.purpleplates.com - to learn about how, and I quote:

"The atoms and electrons of the aluminum have been altered so that the plates are in resonance, or in tune, with the basic energy of the Universe. They function as transceivers of the Earth's paramagnetic force...creating a field of energy around themselves that will penetrate any material substance by osmosis. This energy is very beneficial (the life-force energy) to all life...plant, animal, or human. It might be considered as Positive Energy, or as God power. Love is "positive energy". God is Love. God is Energy.

The websites say that they give you energy, improve your sleep patterns, make produce last longer, attract money, and keep your pets safe if you put one on their collar. (Probably especially safe if you use the angel one, don't you think?)

Now, aren't you sorry that you don't have one? I thought so! And I know that they have to work, because Nikola Tesla said they would! Or he said something about electromagnetic energy once! And I know he was a really really smart guy!

In fact, I KNOW they work, because my MRI came back with no brain tumors on it. So...yay! It's just Meneire's Disease, which is annoying but decidedly un-fatal.

Thanks, Mr. Tesla! And you, the little purple plate in the side pocket of my station wagon!

----------------------------------------
Oh, no; how will I ever show my face amongst my friends again?

You Are 44% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Damn! Damn! Damn! It's not true! I'm super-evil! I fantasized about elbowing a slow person out of my way at Target today! So there!

5 Random Things You Don't Know About Me

I keep meaning to get back to telling y'all the story of the Older Girl. I promise, I'll do it soon. It's still evolving...case in point, the neurologist has now referred us to the infectious disease specialist...so it doesn't have an ending, yet. However, the major events of this summer bear documenting, and I'll try to get to it within the next week...probably after I get beat out of the Annual McJo's Poker Tournament this Saturday.

So, a bunch of bulleted non-sequiturs is all you get. So sorry.

• I read Free Republic online - the horrible horrible vicious right-wing discussion forum - like it is secret porn. I mean it; I'll flip away from the window if The Man comes home and sees me doing it. I am secretly fascinated by their abject, wanton, evil ignorance, and I turn it on every time a Republican fucks up, just so I can gloat in their pain. (After the 2006 election, I read it like six times a day for a week.)

• I carry a metaphysical, protective purple plate in both cars at all times. (My mother gave them to me, so shut it.) Hey, say what you will; I've never had an accident since I put them in my car, and believe me, I used to have plenty of them.

• I looove fruit, but am fairly leery of fruit-flavored anything. Jelly, strawberry ice cream if it's a premium brand or Bluebell, banana bread - that's all good, but when you get anywhere close to an artificial fruit flavor, I am probably not going to touch it. And if you put anything near me along the lines of a Marshmallow Peep, a Circus Peanut, those pink wafer cookies with the vile cream-like substance in the middle, or a Banana Moon Pie, then you will likely be wearing them.

• Nine days out of ten, when I am peering in the mirror in the morning, I silently curse whoever it was that told me that I'd grow out of having zits when I wasn't a teenage anymore.

• I just threw some pills out of my medicine cabinet that expired ten years ago. So, the official transformation into my mother is apparently underway. (And, I was still looking at the 2002 Midol, going, "Well, at least it's within this century, it's probably OK, isn't it?

Awesome Bit of Awesomeness

I'm just loving the newest gay Republican story.

Seems this Bob Allen, a Florida State Representative, was arrested after he offered an undercover officer $20 to blow him in a public bathroom. No surprises there, right? I'm starting to think that being gay is a prerequisite to being a Republican. (What's that you say, Denney Hastert? Oh, yes, I did go there!)

But, get this...his excuse - for paying a man to receive a blow job from him - is that the cop was a big black guy, and there were other big black guys around, so he felt intimidated!

Soooo. In a nutshell, this guy would rather look like a racist than a faggot. AND A WIMPY RACIST AT THAT, who'd give a guy a blow job rather than say "No, thanks."

Seriously. I know some of you are Republicans out there. Are you the constituency that this man represents? Do you feel better about having racists than queers in our government? Do you sleep well at night, knowing that these people, up there in Washington or down here in Texas or wherever you might be, stand up and endorse measures of intolerance that effectively remove the civil rights of American citizens - all in the name of "family values," - when they're secretly sucking cock in public bathrooms, screwing hookers, soliciting underage boys, cheating on their wives, and happily co-habitating with their aides instead of their wives?
AND, does it register to you that these self-same lying, hypocritical assfaces made me listen to the gory details of ONE DEMOCRAT'S marital infidelity for a fucking YEAR? (I wonder if the right wing's going to be a bit more forgiving about all those little bits on the side this year, what with Rudy, John, and Newt all being front-runners?)

Again, having trouble with the "why do I even get up in the morning" thing.
---------------------------
I had an MRI tonight. Wheee! That radiologist guy, boy, he and I had tons of laughs.

Dr. Hunkalicious says he's pretty sure it's Meniere's, but he needs to rule out tumors and whatnot. So, in the tube I went.

I was initially regretting not lying about being claustrophobic - so they'd give me the Valium, right? - but it wasn't that bad. It was an open MRI, so I was only in the tube up until like my ribcage, and the opening in the machine was as lot bigger than the one I had about 10 years ago (which was kind of freaky, and made me wish I were on Valium, not because I'm claustrophobic, but really just for something to do.)
---------------------------
To bed, now. I must begin keeping normal work hours again. Fuck, I hate the end of summer vacation. I want to stay up all night long watching cable TV and web-surfing on the topic of Republican fuck-ups.

Furshunslinger wombat

Shramish. Haargh. Dirigible?

This is the best approximation of my speech patterns right this second, due to the after-effects of the Second Annual Long Beach Weekend in Port Aransas.

SOMEONE - either The Man, Bookhart, Pod, Clark, or Milena - convinced me to have WAAAAY too much to drink, for THREE NIGHTS STRAIGHT. And, I tell you, they OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED of themselves.

The Reader's Digest summary:

• In a happy coincidence, the Perseid meteors were peaking this weekend. They were incredible over the ocean, like roman candles, streaking from one end of the sky to the other.
  
• There were board games.
• And pitchers of pina coladas.
• And margaritas.
  
• And a whole motherfucking lot of beer and wine.
• We caught crabs.
• The good kind. (I'm speaking for myself only, of course.)
  
• Six kids ran around like shrieking little heathens, and it was OK.
• My friends react overly harshly when I force them to sing along to "Sister Christian."
• I didn't find my fucking camera until 1:30 A.M. last night, when God knows the last thing in the world that any of us wanted was to have our picture taken in the godawful state we were in.
• I wasn't dizzy at all, until the drive home today, and there were probably 10 good reasons for that besides nystagmus.

OK, that was exhausting. I have to go to bed now.

Nystagmograms, et al

I had my inner ear testing done yesterday, after three days of no meds, alcohol, caffeine, and a half-day fast. So, I was clearly in a joyous mood to begin with.

First of all, the lady (stylish, nice, a bit older than me) stuck some electrodes all over my face. (I had been directed not to wear makeup, and as this is summertime, in which I don't work and let myself go to sloth, this was not even remotely possible.) Next, the lady asked me to sit on the table and focus my eyes on a neon side with a dot of red light, which moved around to various positions. I did this with no prob. Even a bit of flair, if I do say so myself.

Next, she asked me me to lie down on the table and turn my head in varying positions, and count by twos, starting with random numbers. I rocked at this. I tell you, I can count by twos, people, even when you tell me to start at sixty. That college education really comes in handy sometimes. I'm thinking, hey, I'm passing this test by leaps and bounds; nothing is wrong with me, as my ability to count by twos and look at a dot is completely unimpaired.

But, not so fast! She looks at me and says, "Wow. You're a really dizzy person."

Turns out I have nystagmus - lots of jiggly eye movements - which the little electrodes were measuring when I was concentrating on counting by twos. (Sneaky!)

She then did a horrible little test in which she shot cold and then warm water into my ears, altertating left and right. During this odd and uncomfortable little bit of weirdness, she asked me to name things...e.g. names of women, in alphabetical order, names of men, names of geographic locations, and names of animals. And - people, this is so freaky - when she filled up my left ear with water, so I only had my right ear to work with, I COULD NOT name animals. AT ALL. And that room was spinning like I was on a centrifuge.

Totally wild. She says there's something really wrong with the balance system in my right ear. Could be a virus that's trapped in there, or it could very well be this Meneire's Disease, or it could be something totally different.

I'm guessing a consult with Dr. Hunkalicious, ENT, will be next. Yay!
-----------------------------------
I shall take time out from moaning about my inner ear dysfunction to share with you a hilarious phone interchange I had with Trish the other day.

She called to ask how I was doing, and I yammered on and on about - well, the same stuff I've been yammering on about here - for a while.

Then, she graciously interjects, "Well, I'm so sorry I haven't called earlier to see how you were doing." I'm all magnanimous, and I'm like, "Oh, no, that's fine. No big deal." She then continues, "See, I've been laid up because I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery."

That bitch ALWAYS has to do one better than me. Honestly.

(Just kiddin', Trish. I love you dearly. Glad you're better. I hope your bile is dripping happily from its new venue.)

Read this story from the Nation...

and be very, very afraid.

Last year, I wrote a post mocking the "Left Behind" videogame....you know, the one in which you get to play evangelist Christian warriors blowing away the non-believers? Or, in the height of Strangelovian absurdity, you can switch sides over to the Antichrist, and mow down the Christians instead?

The fact that this crap - denounced by everyone from the Anti-Defamation League to the author of Bush's "compassionate conservatism," Marvin fucking Olasky - exists in Bush's world does not faze me; but, get this: It's about to become part of a sanctioned Department of Defense initiative in Iraq, which encourages playing this game as part of its PROSELYTIZING movement towards the evangelical Christianization of the fighting forces. (See, it helps making all that murder of Muslims more fun! 'Cause you get a high score! And it says "Praise the Lord!" every time you blow one of their heathen fucking heads off!)

We - yes, you, and me - are sending our taxes for an "entertainment force" - so that fucking Billy Baldwin and Evander Holyfeld can go to Iraq and go on...their words, and the words of their psychotic founder...a "crusade."

OK, let this sink in. Our government. Is supporting. A CRUSADE. IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

God, why do I even get up anymore?

Portland recap

I am reasonably well enough now to recap the vacation...though I am at present not allowed to not take any of my meds for THREE WHOLE DAYS whilst I wait for this inner ear test that I'm going to have on Wednesday.

(This made for a rather funny interlude with a neighbor lady down the street that I was just having a conversation with. Right in the middle of it, I just kind of fell backwards and staggered to keep my balance, and I had to utter some lame-ass statement like "No, I'm not drunk, I just have vertigo. Really." But I digress.)

(Actually, that whole conversation was kind of funny, because, I was looking for my cat Hank, who has been missing for three weeks, presumed lost forever, and I just happened to mention this to this woman, who was, like, "Hmm...do you mean the little brown tabby that's been coming over here forever, and we've been feeding for some time?" And I'm all, like, erm, "YEAH, THAT ONE." What a disloyal little shit! She just couldn't stand the puppy, and got a better gig! But, no, she doesn't get to stay there. I'm forcing the bitch home, and I'm going to let the damn dog lick her all over as punishment. But, I'm still digressing.)

1) YG in the blueberry patch.


2) Blackberries.

3. The MotherLode.
OMFG, people, these were the most fantastic FUCKING berries I have ever had in my LIFE. (All that, by the way? Twelve bucks.) I ate them plain, in my cereal, in a rather amazing cobbler...any way they serve them, I'll put them into my body somehow. I am still having sex dreams about them.)

4) Some drunk-ass motherfucker at the Portland Brewer's Festival:

5) More of the same, but with our dear friends Todd and Bill, whom were gracious enough to haul our drunk (in his case) and dizzy (in mine) asses around town for a week:

6) The cutest damn kid ever who isn't related to my children, but damn well could be, couldn't he?
(Yeah, there's mine, in the background, trying to take the balloon away from the baby. I raise 'em right, don't I?)

7) YG, eating some fair food heretofore unknown to me - and how could this be, I'm not sure - called an "Elephant Ear." It's a ginormous slab of dough that is fried, and then dusted in sugar and cinnamon. And then it is shoved into our mouths. A lot.

8) OG on the Oregon coast.

It's beautiful. And it's really really really cold. That's as far as any of us got into the ocean, by a long shot. (And she doesn't have any nerve endings, so that's saying something.)

9) A starfish.

I don't think I've ever seen a live one. And now, I have. And really cool, bright-green anemones.

10) A view from Mt. Hood, of Mt. Ranier and Mt. St. Helens in the waaaay back background, with the lovely daughters of our friends, with the added benefit of my older child being rather pissy:


11) Just for Karla, a Big Head OG from Mt. Hood, with Mt. Ranier in the background:


-----------------------------
We did tons of other stuff, too...we went to the beautiful Rose Garden, rode the cable car up the big hospital hill, went to Stumptown Roasters and attended the bizarre "cupping" service (and got a little snobbiness, but, damn if the coffee doesn't back it up. It totally rocks!) The Man went on a bicycle brewery tour, which I'm sure he'll be raving about over at his blog any day now.

Oh, and we went to the Body Worlds exhibit - where they have all the plasticized dead bodies splayed out in funky poses- which was super-cool, and really not even the slightest bit disturbing. (Except having to listen to the OG exclaim "Look, I see his PENIS!" several times, LOUDLY.)

------------------------------------
And now? Off to bed with my Valium-less, mildly-dizzy-but-not-sick self. Jeebus, it's been a long two weeks. (I think my husband is also now shopping for a new sister-wife, if you get my meaning.)

I...

am upright again.

I still stagger a little when I walk, but it's improved greatly. Now, it's more like a tipsy Vegas maven havin' a watered-down cocktail at the slots. Previously, it resembled a spring break co-ed sloshed on Coco Locos headed for a wet t-shirt contest in Cancun.

Praise be to ye trio of gods: Antivert (prescription,) the motion sickness patch placed stylishly behind my ear, and the almighty Zeus of prescription drugs, Lord Valium (of which my hunky ENT increased my dosage, because it simply weren't workin' before tonight. Have I mentioned that I love him?)

Sadly, I can't access the big computer - where my pictures are stored - to show you our lovely Portland vacation, as The Man has commandeered it to watch some damn track meet. But I shall, in good time, do so.

Lord Valium says for me to tell you "Peace out" now. Because everything? Is O.K.

Back from Portland

I'm back from a lovely, week-long visit to Portland, wherein we - the whole fam damily - visited two sets of very dear friends and saw all of the sights.

Our hosts and hostesses provided an impeccable good time. The weather was gorgeous - warm and sunny during the day, window-open cool at night (with no screens, because they don't have any bugs! Not even mosquitos!) We drove to the coast one day, up to the top of Mount Hood another day, visited many many many brew pubs for The Man (all in the name of research, you know,) and even got to attend the big annual beer festival.

And - oh, god - the berry picking day - now THAT was incredible. I have never, EVER, in my life, had fruit that good. Blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries...we went absolutely insane. (OG was on a mission to denude the entire orchard. YG was very like the little girl in Blueberries for Sal. Pick one, eat three, pick another, then eat the two in her bucket. So damn cute.)

The only drawback to the whole weekend was me, sadly. I've still got whatever it is that I have, and even medicated to the hilt, I was still really dizzy and sick to my stomach. (I felt like some Victorian woman, having to take to the couch because I had the vapors.)

I'm also still experiencing this odd blurry vision. Though I have been blessed with perfect vision - and yes, I know that I'm very lucky, but you may check out my ass and thighs if you want to know where my comeuppance lies - I now know what it must feel like to need glasses, because I have to squint to make out print, both near and far.

Sadly, I'm too wiped to post the pictures tonight - 6:00 A.M. flight this morning, whee! - and I'm, predictably, nauseated and can't focus on the typing...so I'm off to bed tonight. I'll try to get some up tomorrow.

(Oh, and by the way, thanks for all the notes and phone calls. I'm very touched! I'll keep you posted as the puzzle comes together more...)