Nystagmograms, et al

I had my inner ear testing done yesterday, after three days of no meds, alcohol, caffeine, and a half-day fast. So, I was clearly in a joyous mood to begin with.

First of all, the lady (stylish, nice, a bit older than me) stuck some electrodes all over my face. (I had been directed not to wear makeup, and as this is summertime, in which I don't work and let myself go to sloth, this was not even remotely possible.) Next, the lady asked me to sit on the table and focus my eyes on a neon side with a dot of red light, which moved around to various positions. I did this with no prob. Even a bit of flair, if I do say so myself.

Next, she asked me me to lie down on the table and turn my head in varying positions, and count by twos, starting with random numbers. I rocked at this. I tell you, I can count by twos, people, even when you tell me to start at sixty. That college education really comes in handy sometimes. I'm thinking, hey, I'm passing this test by leaps and bounds; nothing is wrong with me, as my ability to count by twos and look at a dot is completely unimpaired.

But, not so fast! She looks at me and says, "Wow. You're a really dizzy person."

Turns out I have nystagmus - lots of jiggly eye movements - which the little electrodes were measuring when I was concentrating on counting by twos. (Sneaky!)

She then did a horrible little test in which she shot cold and then warm water into my ears, altertating left and right. During this odd and uncomfortable little bit of weirdness, she asked me to name things...e.g. names of women, in alphabetical order, names of men, names of geographic locations, and names of animals. And - people, this is so freaky - when she filled up my left ear with water, so I only had my right ear to work with, I COULD NOT name animals. AT ALL. And that room was spinning like I was on a centrifuge.

Totally wild. She says there's something really wrong with the balance system in my right ear. Could be a virus that's trapped in there, or it could very well be this Meneire's Disease, or it could be something totally different.

I'm guessing a consult with Dr. Hunkalicious, ENT, will be next. Yay!
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I shall take time out from moaning about my inner ear dysfunction to share with you a hilarious phone interchange I had with Trish the other day.

She called to ask how I was doing, and I yammered on and on about - well, the same stuff I've been yammering on about here - for a while.

Then, she graciously interjects, "Well, I'm so sorry I haven't called earlier to see how you were doing." I'm all magnanimous, and I'm like, "Oh, no, that's fine. No big deal." She then continues, "See, I've been laid up because I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery."

That bitch ALWAYS has to do one better than me. Honestly.

(Just kiddin', Trish. I love you dearly. Glad you're better. I hope your bile is dripping happily from its new venue.)