The Bookhart Music Meme

Oh, my dearest Bookhart. You have created a difficult one. I shall try my best to do it justice.

Here it is, the "Name Up To Three" meme. I don't think anyone reads my blog that doesn't read hers, but consider yourself challenged, if you have not been already.

Note: I am aware that these are fairly pedestrian choices. But what was it Woody Allen said about banging his stepdaughter? "The heart wants what it wants." (Coincidentally, I also have sex with teenagers!)

Song(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being

• "Doorbell" - The White Stripes (sorry; yes, I know I am uncool. I surrendered my Cool epaulets some time ago.)
• "God Bless The USA" - Lee Greenwood
• "The Angry American" - Toby Keith

Musical Artist(s) That I Loathe to the Core of My Being
(Note: This was a hard one. I used to hate people like Neil Young and Led Zeppelin, until I got older and realized how wrong I was.) But, for now:

• Toby Keith
• Lee Greenwood
• and...I'm not sure about the White Stripes. So far, they irritate the bejesus out of me. Who knows; I might be wrong about them, too, later on.)

Rolling Stones Song(s) I Love:

• "You Can't Always Get What You Want"
• "Brown Sugar"
• "Honky Tonk Woman"

Beatles Song(s) I Love:

• "Let It Be"
• "We Can Work It Out"
• "Day Tripper"

Who Song(s) I Love:

• "Squeeze Box"
• "Pinball Wizard"

Reggae Song(s) I Love:
Hmm, hmm, hmm. You know, I like Bob Marley as much as the next thirtysomething-aged whitebread suburban gal...but honestly, I'm going to have to change this one a bit, unless the Police count. They probably don't.

Can I do ska songs I love, instead?

• "One Step Beyond" - Madness
• "Whine and Grind/Stand Down Margaret" - The English Beat
• "It Must Be Love" - Madness

Country Song(s) I Love:

• "Waltz Across Texas" - Ernest Tubb
• "Walkin' After Midnight" - Patsy Cline
• "Levelland" - James McMurtry (as sung by Robert Earl Keen)

Movie Soundtrack(s) I Love:

• "Valley Girl" (natch)
• "Brokeback Mountain"
• "O Brother Where Art Thou"

Musical Soundtrack(s) I Love:

• "Godspell"
• "Little Shop of Horrors"
• "Evita"

Cover Song(s) I Love:

• "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - Dwight Yoakum
• "Pictures of Matchstick Men" - Camper Van Beethoven
• "They Don't Know" - Tracy Ullman

Contemporary Top-40 Artist(s) I Secretly Love:
This is a big secret...don't tell ANYONE.

• Kelly Clarkson. I'm so sorry.

(I also like Green Day and Franz Ferdinand, but they're OK not to be a secret.) So...if they HAVE to be a secret fetish, then Pink and Gwen Stefani, too. And the Foo Fighters. OK, that 's more than three.)

Song(s) That Bring Me to Tears

• "Let It Be" - The Beatles
• "Sweet Dreams" - Patsy Cline
• "Can't Help Falling In Love With You" - Elvis Presley

Song(s) That Make Me Shake My Ass

• "Hey Ya" - Outkast
• "This Corrosion" - Sisters of Mercy (of course!)
• "Major Tom" - Peter Schilling
  

(I have no idea why that silly song popped into my mind. But, back in the day, I used to like to go to Retro Night, and I liked to dance when it would come on. Oh, come on. "Four, Three, Two, One...?" You know you'd do it. You're not better than me.)

Classical Composer(s) I Love:

• Mozart (duh)

Rap/Hip-Hop Song(s) I Love:

• "Hey Ya" - Outkast
• "Sabotage" - The Beastie Boys
• "I Like The Way You Move" - Outkast
  

70s Disco Song(s) I Love:
So, so many. But, the ones that spring into my head first are:

• "Don't Leave Me This Way" - Thelma Houston
• "If I Can't Have You" - Yvonne Elliman
• "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" - Leo Sayer

70s Supergroup Song(s) I Love:
What's a 70's Supergroup? Do you mean a big 70's band, or a true SUPERGROUP, like The Band? I'm going to go with the first one:

• "Already Gone" - The Eagles
• "Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
• "Surrender" - Cheap Trick

Metal Song(s) I Love:
Lord, I never liked metal much. But, there were a few, I guess...

• "Round and Round" - Ratt
• "Epic" - Faith No More
• "Cum On Feel the Noize" - Quiet Riot, and Slade

New Wave Song(s) I Love:
(Honestly, B, how on earth can I choose? It's like choosing between your children.)

• "Is There Something I Should Know?" - Duran Duran
• "I Melt With You" - Modern English
• "Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds

Soul/R&B Song(s) I Love:

• "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" - Aretha Franklin
• "I Try" - Macy Gray
• "Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off The Sucker)" - Parlaiment

Power Ballad(s) I Love:

• "More Than Words" - who sang that song?

I can't really claim to love many others. But I will sing the holy fuck out of anything in the Journey catalog on karaoke night. Also, most Toto songs. So, maybe that's its own kind of love.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you...

Pre 1950s Song(s) I Love:

• "I Get A Kick Out of You" - Cole Porter
• "Too Darn Hot" - Cole Porter
• "Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye" - Cole Porter

Punk Song(s) I Love:

• "Ever Fallen In Love" - The Buzzcocks
• "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" - The Ramones
• "American Idiot" - Green Day

Singer/Songwriter Song(s) I Love:

• "Let The Mystery Be" - Iris DeMent
• "Levelland" - James McMurtry
• "Angry All the Time" - Bruce Robison

MTV Video(s) I Love:
oooh, it's been a while...my age will very much show. Why don't we rename this category: "Classic MTV Videos I Used to Love, Long Ago, when MTV showed Videos:"

• "Save A Prayer" - Duran Duran
• "Wrapped Around Your Finger" - The Police
• "Sabotage" - The Beastie Boys

None of the Above Song(s) I Love:

• "Girlfriend" - Matthew Sweet
• "Birdhouse In Your Soul" - They Might Be Giants
• "Cruel To Be Kind" - Nick Lowe

Whew! Done! Yay!

Reviewing my choices, I REALLY need some new music in my life. Any suggestions?

Hell's Bells, Bookhart!

Bookhart's meme has kept me too damn busy to come up with any original ideas OF MY OWN. I will try to finish it tomorrow. Jeez! I never thought it would be this hard to come up with bands and songs I hate. I hate lots of stuff!

So, this is the best meme I can come up with, and it's short. Consider yourself challenged.

1) What is the coolest, hippest thing in your pantry?

Mine is the bottle of Asian ginger-plum dipping sauce. Maybe the Norwegian chicken curry mix.

2) What is the least hip, most embarrassing thing you have in your pantry?

Hill Country Fare Vienna Sausages. Mixed meat; chicken, pork, AND beef.

(Fuck if I didn't have to struggle to find that first one. Crap. Having children really cramps my style.)

On Naked Teachers

No, not that way, perv.

In a conversation with my mother in Kansas City the other day, I found, much to my chagrin, that the Austin story of the naked teacher made national news.

In case you missed it, our local daily has had a great old time with this little bit of salaciousness. Seems that Tamara Hoover, an art teacher at Austin High School posed for some nude (topless) photographs for a friend with another friend, presumably her partner. Most were fairly obviously artistic, apparently some were sexier than others. The friend posted the pictures to his website, without the art teacher's knowledge. Somehow word gets out to her students, and this information gets back to the other art teacher, who hates Ms. Hoover. So, this other art teacher OPENS THE WEB PAGE IN FRONT OF HER CLASS, and of course the shit hits the fan.

The board announces that they intend to fire Ms. Hoover due to the school district's policies regarding employee behavior, which include a moral turpitude clause that prohibits "base, vile, or depraved acts that are intended to arouse or gratify the sexual desire of the actor."

OK, as a person in the field of education (but no, I don't teach your children anymore, so just be grateful for that,) this decision affects me to some degree - so here's an opinion, damn it. Those uninterested may wish to peruse another blog to my right, or read this, for no apparent reason.)

First of all, I don't know any teachers that would be so dumb as to think that this would NOT be a problem for them. But...and I mean this in an absolutely non-disparaging way...she is an ART teacher. These are naked, "artistic" photographs; hello? It's not likely that she would see a problem with the exercise itself, no? But, the reality, as to what you can get away with as a public school employee, is that people will notice, and will care. I don't even put the bumper stickers on my car that I really want on there, much less reveal too much about my personal life.

So was she clueless, or hopelessly naive, or defiant? Interviews with her suggest something along the lines of the first two. But...really, to ask the board...is this offense THAT serious? I agree that she needs a stern talking-to, a note in the file, maybe even a probationary period. But fired? For some boob shots? In Austin, supposedly the liberal bastion of Texas? The Statesman said that she didn't have any other problems in her file, and she had even gotten some administrative commendations.

I just DO NOT see what is the big deal about this. And I SURE as hell don't get why Tamara Hoover gets fired, while this other woman, who discusses a fight with another teacher WITH HER HIGH SCHOOL CLASS and OPENED UP THE WEB PAGE IN FRONT OF THEM, does NOT get fired. Seriously, people! Who is the unprofessional one, here, at least in the school setting?

I may be biased, though. I guess I kind of resent the feeling that public school employees can have no life whatsoever. I feel strange if a student I've ever had before sees me in Central Market buying beer. But seriously; is it just me? Does anyone, with or without children in the public school system, really, really feel strongly that this woman represents a threat to our kids? And if so...then what if you really knew about my life, or other teachers' lives? Would you care if your child's teacher were gay? How about if they smoked pot at the odd party, or drank too much at surreal reeenactments of "Annie?" Hell, maybe they wife swap, or sleep around! (I've news for you; they do; or at least some of them do. AND THEY'RE STILL GOOD TEACHERS WHO POSE NO THREATS TO YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN.

So, my questions are:
1. Boobs = porn? Really?
2: Where exactly does my "moral turpitude" begin? Where yours ends?

I welcome thoughts...am I completely wrong?

I never have quiet weekends at home.

Howdy there! What's new, cabbages? It has been a few days since I've sat down at the computer. Much has occurred over the past little bit of time.

We've been recovering from our beach trip; there's been excitement afoot. The younger girl fell from the trampoline, and has a lovely shiner over her left eye. (As it turns out, the only thing worse than saying, "I slapped my kid upside the head when she didn't do as she was told" is, in fact, "She fell out of the trampoline. On her face.")

She's fine; but there was an ER trip involved. By the time she actually got there, of course, she was singing and laughing, fully determined to charm the late Thursday night ER staff entirely. By tonight, Sunday, she's gotten so much mileage out of it that I daresay she's going to punch herself in her own eye from time to time just so people will exclaim and coo over her. I look forward to many more years of visits from Child Protective Services.

In other news, yesterday, our friend Amy decided, for her birthday, to conduct a full, costumed, drunken enactment of "Annie," held at a local theater (off hours). I'd say there were about 50 people there plus a bunch of kids. Many were costumed (myself included,) many were drunk on gin and tonics at 10 in the morning (ditto). Sadly, my camera decided to die yesterday morning, so there are no extant photographs of me in my Miss Hannigan outfit. Damn. There was a wig involved, and a red bra, and Mardi Gras beads, and a flask. (Oh, and fair warning to all of you - should you ever find yourself in a situation in which you are expected to perform a largely impromptu 30's period piece musical with many of your friends, DO NOT listen to your significant other if he or she suggests that it would be a good idea to put REAL gin in your prop flask, as that would be "method acting." This, as it turns out, is a BAD IDEA.)

Full kudos to Amy, though...it was a great idea, and it was fun as shit. Older Girl really enjoyed her turn as Annie, and Younger Girl was befuddled but participatory as an orphan in several scenes. I am inspired to do something similar for my 40th birthday in a few years, but all I've ever really wanted to be in was "Godspell." I would LOVE to put that on with all my friends...but, it's not really that kid-friendly, as is "Annie." Plus, the whole crucifixion thing would probably kill my buzz. Maybe we could just skip that part?

Last night, we had friends over to play poker and say goodbye to our friends Todd and Aimee. They're moving to Portland for at least a year while Aimee finishes her Ph.D., and we will miss them terribly. I know they will miss us, too, so we let them take all of our money to remember us by.

Today, we went to Schlitterbahn, the child mecca of the Southwest. Yes, it's a water park, but it is the best waterpark ever. (Todd's suggestion for its new motto: "It's a Schlitload of Fun!") There are three now, but the original, in New Braunfels, TX, is located on the Comal River. The cool part about this place is that it actually uses the cold, clear river water from the Comal in several of the rides, rather than the nasty colored chloriny stuff. Several of the tube chutes actually empty you into the river or take you alongside it. And it's OK to do everything with a beer in your hand.

Now that Older Girl is, well, older, we went to the newer section of the park for the first time (as pictured to the right). It's a bit more ride-oriented, but damn if she's not game for everything they can throw at her. She made the Master Blaster her bitch. Younger Girl, who is more sedate, was happy to hang in several of the areas set aside for kids, but she did enjoy the wave pool that was also a tube float-river contraption. I dug that one, too. Sitting in an inner tube, with your baby on your lap, riding reasonably exciting waves without exerting much effort, if any? Nice way to spend your Sunday.

Suddenly tired. Long few days. Why hasn't anybody cleaned my house?

The two inexplicable things I noticed today; both involving strawberries:

#1. Ew!!!!!


#2. "Jammin," the Bob Marley song, sung on the Sirius Kids music channel...by Strawberry Shortcake.

Now these two, together, present an interesting image, don't they? Do you think there's a connection? Has the Shortcake clan gone rasta? Are they firing up berry special blunts?

As long as I'm posting bad jokes to this page...

...here's an oldie but a goodie:

Why don't southern girls enjoy group sex?

Too many thank-you notes.

(I think of Bookhart when I hear this one; because she's southern, not because of anything else, you sicko.)

Vacation's End: A Cautionary Tale

Did you ever have one of those days, those end of the vacation days, when the entire morning has been spent finding socks, washing sand out of bathing suits, cramming the wet things into plastic grocery bags, ensuring that your children are, if not helping, then are at least safely immobilized by a movie so as to not get in the way?

You know, that day when you're all running around saying, "Have you seen my sunglasses? They're cheap and black," divvying up the rest of the beer and wine, trying to find where the hell you put the room key, and frantically racing around to get the hell out by checkout time at 11:00?

OK, on those mornings, you might assume that it would be a completely normal thing to not shower, because everyone's showering, and besides, you showered the night before. There's the fact that you were lying down on wet hair last night because you were sick, and thus this morning your hair looks Flock Of Seagull-ish, but not just in the front, in the front AND back, with bits pointing out on each side, too. But, you would most certainly think, "Fuck it," as all you have to look forward to today is a four (six, with stops for diarrhea and historical sites!) hour drive with two children and your husband, who is stuck with your ass no matter how you look. (Oh, and that reminds me...happy anniversary, honey!)

In fact, when it comes time to get dressed, you have the presence of mind to comb your hair to some degree, but you stare, attempt to fuss it into some shape, and then sigh, and give up. You resume dressing; black tank top and tan shorts, that's fine. Ah, but crap, you forgot to bring a black bra into the bathroom, and honey has probably already zipped up the suitcase. There's the junky white jog bra you slept in, though...agggh, fuck it again, that's fine. You're dressed. Just pull the black shirt over the white bra straps occasionally. Or not. It's a road trip through southeast Texas, for cripes sake. Oh, there's a few paparrazi hanging out at the Luling DQ, but that's about it.

Come to think of it, a jog bra might be just what the doctor ordered, as you've been eating like a swill-deprived swine since you've been here. Is it fried, dipped in butter, or served with heavy cream? Yes! That's what you've ordered! So, even though you're disgruntled that the diet has to start on Monday, this has now been declared Fat Sunday, and comfy stretchy clothes are welcomed.

Anyway, after you get the crew and the crap in the car, there's just one more stop to make before the journey. Aforementioned six-year-old-girl-who-likes-memorabilia-of-dead-things wishes to have a shark's tooth necklace. So, you pull into Cap'n Ahab's World Of Beachy Touristy Crap. All you want is to go in, spend your $9.95, and be off. That's all. Really.

But, then, as you're almost in the front door, a man. With BIG BIRDS on his arm. Spies your chatty and excitable six-year-old. And says: "Would YOU like to have your picture taken with my parrots?" Just as the words "No, no, we're leaving, must be running, have to get home" exit your mouth, your six-year-old screams "YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!" Your shoulders slump, knowing that $20 is about to go down the drain. But, there are worse things in the world than this, eh? She gets her picture taken, we pay the ransom, and we go.

Except.

This horrible, evil, man, as I'm about to slink into the now large crowd to observe, grabs my arm, and says, "No, no, it's a FAMILY PHOTO OPPORTUNITY! You have to get in there with them!" You think, "Oh, no, no, no...no, I don't have to do this, do I?" But, by this point, there has been pulling and positioning, and children thrust onto the man's shoulders, and...crap, there's a friggin' bird on my shoulder. And another on the man's, and two on Older Girl. And it's JUST. TOO. LATE.

And, voila...here is what our $20 hath wrought. My advice to you? Never, ever, ever leave the house again looking as vile as I did on Sunday morning. Because, you NEVER KNOW what will happen.
You, sir, wiggle the stick! (Me, in my head: No, he does that enough already!)


Luuurve the jog bra. And my snarl. And the look on Younger Girl's face. She is quite correctly wondering what the HELL is going on with these damn birds and why they are all up in her face. Smart one, that.

Did you ever have that day?

This is a horrible joke...

...but I work in special education, so I feel more or less entitled. It's in the original Britishese:

This bloke asked me to take part in a charity run, so I said "Piss off, no chance."

He said "Arr, go on mate, it's for blind and spastic kids."

So, I thought, fuck it, I could win this...

Beach Tripped!

We're back from Port Aransas! (Our very first family beach trip, dontcha know. Plus, the Bookhart family and another dear couple, who are a) wonderful all-around folks and good roomies, b) avowed drinkers, and c) very conveniently have similarly aged children.)

I will first share with you the older child's highlight of the trip, bar none:


This was the dead shark (!) that was lying next to the boardwalk that led to the beach from our condo. This was the approximate transcript of the interchange:

Older girl (running 20 yards ahead, as is par for the course): "MOOOOMMMMM!!!!!"

Me (wincing a bit, as is also par for the course): "What, honey?"

OG: "THERE'S A BONE UP HERE!!! COME SEE IT!!!"

Me: "Um...OK, honey, we're coming, I'll see it in a bit."

OG has a brief conversation with another member of our party.

OG: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!! It's a SHARK!!!!!! I FOUND A DEAD SHARK!!!! COME SEE!!! COME SEE!!!

Me (having arrived by this time): "Wow, that is a shark! That's pretty cool!

We stop, and regard the shark.

Me: "Well, OK, honey, aren't you ready to go see the beach?"

OG: "OK!! Let's go to the beach!"

And then, throughout the weekend, to literally every person in our hotel:

OG: "HEY!!!!! THERE IS A DEAD SHARK DOWN THERE!!! AND I FOUND IT!!!

So, of course, she got a shark's tooth necklace for a souvenir. Because death is cool.

Other shots:

The condo:

It's called La Mirage, and it's a pretty nice place. Big balconies, two pools, decently close to the beach. Our room was well stocked, and we had a big living room to talk and play interesting German strategery games in (see also here; Mr. T, you have perhaps started my husband on a new kind of crack. Thanks. Thanks a lot.) The beds were comfy, especially when I had to take to mine after a brief and irritating bout with something like the stomach flu. Swords in the stomach, upchucking, shivers and chills, and having to abstain from drinking for the evening. Suck!!!!

The beach was nice, too. Warm water, not too deep, surf that looked poundy but really wasn't too bad. I was a bit freaked out about taking the kids swimming in the ocean, so we brought the neon pink beach flak jackets:

But, best of all...here's a shot of the father of these puffy-suited darlings, actually smiling rather than gritting his teeth, even though he's in a crappy tourist trap store because his daughter simply HAD to go inside the big shark:


Happy Father's Day, honey. We love you completely, totally, and utterly. Thanks for enduring multiple humiliations on behalf of those who love you. There will be more to come.

There was a side trip to Goliad on the way home today (Goliad was the site of a huge massacre of almost 400 Texian soldiers by Santa Anna, which pretty much spurred Sam Houston on to return the favor a few weeks later at San Jacinto.) I was still sick from the night before and groused a bit, but it was very interesting. (Unfortunately, the toddler came down with some lovely diarrhea right about then, so the rest of the trip was somewhat less pleasant.)

Ah, it's late, and there has been quite enough discussion about my digestive tract and the bowels of my family. To bed with my sandy, smelly self.

Computerless

I will be computerless for the next several days, and thus will not likely be posting until Monday.

Try to be OK.

It's a link.

You want to click it.

It has llamas.


However, I would be remiss if I did not add...

Cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, hay llamas!

Keira Knightley's Jaw

In case you were wondering what Keira Knightley's jaw is up to these days, you can track its movements here.

I actually like Keira Knightley, but yes, her jaw is enormous. I can see that it has a life of its own.

Am I Sienna or Not?

Sienna Miller, and me:

















The resemblance is UNCANNY, I tell you. We're like twins.

You don't see it? Wait, here's my Sienna pose:







And the "no more paparazzi" one:

And the one with some random child who just happened to be passing by the limo:

I went to our neighborhood ritzy salon (well, OK, it's the lower-priced version of the downtown REAL ritzy salon) to see if they could shag me good. And, they did...except that I CANNOT reproduce their cool round brushing techniques when I get home, no matter how often I study them. So, even the best haircut usually starts to look the same on me after a couple of days.

But, for you people, I tried. And - and this is a point that should not be ignored - I put on lipstick. Yes, in the summer.

It's all you. It's all for you.

Jon Stewart vs. Bill Bennett

If you have not yet seen Jon Stewart bitch slap Bill Bennett on gay marriage, please do so NOW.

Every time I think I can't love Jon more, he sweeps me off my feet yet again. Jon, I know you're a happily married father...but don't you think it can work out for us? (And, if not, could you introduce me to Steven Colbert?)

The Summer Obsession List

1. My iPod. It's not new, but it's new to me. I love it so much that I am damned close to having sex with it.

Things I am putting on my iPod today:

• Robert Earl Keen - Walking Distance, Gringo Honeymoon, No Kinda Dancer
• Macy Gray - The Trouble With Being Myself
• The Mavericks - Greatest Hits
• The Gourds - Shinebox
• XTC - Nonsuch
• Ken Nordine: Word Jazz
• The The - Dusk
• Parliament - Tear The Roof Off 1974-1980
• Brave Combo - The Hokey Pokey

and several compilations I probably picked up in the $3 bin at Ross:

• The Edge of Rock and Cutting Edge (yeah, in 1990!) with songs by Syd Straw, Mary's Danish, The Lemonheads, Michael Penn, The Sugarcubes, Jellyfish, and The Church, among others
• Rock On - with songs by Alice Cooper, Golden Earring, Heart, Cheap Trick, Meat Loaf, and...Foreigner!
• Let's Go Zydeco!

and only the very hippest for the kiddos:

• Joe McDermott - Great Big World and Everywhere You Go (note to folks with kids: Joe's song "Baby Kangaroo" will get your children out of WHATEVER horrible sullen fit-throwing mood they have worked themselves into. I promise.)
  
• The Bottle Let Me Down: Songs For Bumpy Wagon Rides
• They Might Be Giants: No!

My first foray into iTunes yesterday resulted in my purchasing the following (don't hate; it's summer music time, damn it!):

• The Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
• Pink- "Stupid Girls" and "Get This Party Started"
• Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"
• Gnarls Barkley - "Gone Daddy Gone" and "Crazy"
  
• Kirsty MacColl - "In These Shoes"

2. Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. This obsessively detailed exploration of the minutiae of three presidental assassinations (Lincoln, Garfield, and McKinley) manages to be extremely interesting, hysterically funny, touching, and enraging.

Who knew that Robert Todd Lincoln, Abe's son, was present at not only his father's death, but just happened to be standing around when Garfield and McKinley got shot, too? And that Charles Guiteau, who shot Garfield, was the product of an upstate New York sex cult run by the Oneidans, later to be the folks who brought you your china? Truly fascinating stuff.

Sarah is the daughter my mother wishes she had had. (And my mother LOVED this book, and wrote Sarah to volunteer to drive her around next time she wants to take a trip like this.)

3. This pasta salad:

• 16 oz cooked whole wheat pasta
• 1 cup toasted and chopped walnut pieces
• 1 cup crumbled Feta cheese
  
• 1 cup finely chopped red onion
• 3 cups chopped baby spinach leaves
• 1/2 cup Girard Champagne Vinaigrette (the one in the triangle bottle)
• salt and pepper

Mix. Toss. Yum. Eat constantly over the next several days. Put on three pounds. Don't care.

4. Shaun of the Dead. It's on like three times a day on HBO, and I watch it every time. Don't forget to kill Phillip!

5. Sienna Miller's shag. (No, not Jude Law; her haircut.)




6. Typing this blog at the expense of time with my children. Must...go...play...dolls!

You'll notice "cleaning the garage," "weight training," "drinking less," and "increasing fiber intake" are not on this list. Truly, I'm very into these things as well. Or, I will be soon. I swear.

Betty Bowers on Ann Coulter

Oh, dear God, how I wish I had written this.

Betty, you are my muse.

Texas Political Hijinx: First in a Many-Part Series

This morning, the Carole Keeton Strayhorn campaign announced that she wishes to be identified on the gubernatorial ballot as "Carole Keeton 'Grandma' Strayhorn."

Best quote from "Kinky" Friedman: "She can call herself Carole Cougar Mellencamp if she wants, but when it comes to the ballot, she should follow the law."

Lordy. I'm so grateful that I come from a state that has far less embarassing politicians.

What do you get when you cross a narcissistic personality disorder with a keyboard?

A blog.

Absolutely. Un. Fucking. Believable.

The Man is waiting to use our sole computer to watch some track meet. It's a thing. I don't know why. There's even some sort of fantasy element involved. (A fantasy track team, that is; if there's any sort of role-playing or masturbation while sprinting involved, I don't really want to know.)

But, I could not sleep, I tell you, until I posted a link to the best video game of ALL TIME.

It is called Left Behind: Eternal Forces. It's based on the hugely successful "Left Behind" series, all of which I'm sure you have read. (What? You haven't? BURN IN HELL, HEATHEN BITCHES!!)

Anyway, the premise of the books, from what I can gather, is that the rapture comes and carries away the pious, and the rest are left to fend off minions of Satan, or something along those lines. So, of course, some enterprising and righteous soul came up with this fabulous idea - a videogame, wherein you, the Christian hero, pump Jesus into these liberal gay demon bastards using a submachine gun.

But wait...it gets better! Once you tire of being the Christian hero (and who doesn't, quite frankly,) you can change sides! Yes, you can become Satan, and lead the demons into war on the Christians!

I shit you not, people. I'm so flabbergasted by this, and could write for literally hours on a) the hypocrisy of the whole gunning while Christian thing, b) the hysterical notion of little Billy idly discovering the dark side one day while playing with the Options button on his Playstation, or c) how Matt Groenig needs to sue them so badly. He's the one that came up with Rod Flanders' Billy Graham's Bible Bashers game. (You can even play it! Find Rod under the F-H file cabinet. I tried, but only converted one heathen.)

Actually, come to think of it, that mirrors my life pretty well. I'd better let him on the computer.

I hear there's one born every minute...

This picture hangs in our local Sears Portrait Studio. (This is a photo of the photo.)

If you looked veeeery very closely at it, you would see that, actually, it is not JUST a photograph, but an "oil painting-like treatment" of a photograph that was, in fact, taken at Sears Portrait Studio.

Now, just imagine, if you will, being a parent of two lovely but rambunctious children. The older one, for some reason, finds the whole picture-taking experience to be exciting beyond words, and is particularly active that day. Even with mom and dad both there to referee, there is some valid concern that extreme spazziness will render this entire photo shoot null and void.

However, wonderously, some of the shots actually come out pretty good, and mom sets herself to the task of selecting which shots will be purchased, and in what format. Does she need the sepia-toned or soft-focused ones? Ones with a fancy (ugly) border? Little mosaics of her lovelies all cut up and stuck together. "Oh, no," she says, smartly and frugally, as she pinches her purse primly in her lap. "We'll probably just get the minimum purchase allowed. With the coupon, of course."

But then, the nice picture-taking lady says, "Wow, that one turned out great," and summons her manager over. The manager says, "That one is beautiful! You know, that would make a perfect oil print to hang on our wall! Would you mind us doing that?"

My children, on your wall? You want my children to serve your capitalistic means, because you think they are perfect icons of childhood, and the very sight of them will make others whip out their wallets to attempt to capture some of this joy?

No, no, I wouldn't mind. At all.

Sigh. Ah, yes, the picture-buying. Um...I guess...I'll take...all of them? You say they're $7.99 a sheet? No, no, 15 sheets isn't too much at all. Hell, throw in an extra-charged sepia toned soft-focused one, too, so I can put it in some old-timey frame. (For...that Victorian room we don't have in our 1950's house! Yeah!)

Don't judge. I'm weak. And The Man is too. Oh, he groused about the money, but he's found his way to the (recently renamed) Sears Gallery of Beautiful and Very Important Art to visit the "installation," too.

B.W.I.

The previous post is an example of why you should NOT BLOG WHILE INTOXICATED, people.

That is a very dangerous undertaking! One might just hop onto a soapbox, or a high horse. And then one might fall off, now, mightn't one? Because one was probably very wobbly after consuming the lion's share of a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc plus some more of that strong beer at the Noxious's house the other night, now, wasn't one?

Ah, well, the Mags is in a good mood now. When Bush is at a 56% disapproval rate IN TEXAS, then the moon must be in the seventh house, and Jupiter has aligned with Mars.

Upon a cursory review, this is apparently doomed to be a shortish, nonsensical post. I have decided to post the kids' pictures, but I guess I should actually go feed them first. (They are such a hassle; "feed me" this and "clothe me" that.)

Best! President! Ever!!!

Dear GW,

Thank you so very much for expressing your support for a federal frickin' amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage. We were so worried that you were going soft on us; thanks for having the cojones to beat up on folks who don't have the numbers to fight you back.

You know how it is, bubba; in Texas, it warn't illegal ENOUGH to have a law against it. We had to write it into our constitution, too, so that our children and our children's children will have to move mountains in order to overrwrite our bigotry. We know how it's done, see.

I'm so grateful that you have the vision to see what is truly wrong in this world right now. Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans, employment rates, your party's finest and Jack Abramoff - all that nonsense is progressing splendidly. (Come to think of it, what's Haditha, Abu Ghraib, Valerie Plame, imaginary yellowcake, tax cuts to oil companies while the icecaps melt, the 2000 elections, and Satan's Troika of Iraq/Cheney/Halliburton got on a blowjob from an intern, anyway?)

So, thanks, big guy, for turning your Cyclops-like focus on what truly matters to the people of this fine country. I'm so very delighted that you're helping me concentrate on who other people bang.

Love,
Mags

P.S. I'm not saying I know anyone like this...but, let's just say this FRIEND of mine has a HUSBAND who...well, enjoyed "Fried Green Tomatoes," and drinks Belgian beer out of a "special glass." I'm thinking that marriage may well be declared invalid, don't you? And, if that were to be true, it wouldn't be cheating if the wife contacted someone ELSE, say, John Cusack or Jeff Goldblum, in order to form a holy biblical bond of angelic marital unity, would it?

From Popbitch

So, how long until evil playground bullies start calling poor Shiloh Pitt "Piloh Shitt?"

My latest obsession

I am not usually this domestic, but these brownies are so effing amazing.

Disregard the whole "jelly roll pan" thing if you don't have one. Mix it all together, pour it in whatever pan you have, and then make the fudgy goodness to pour over the top. Stick it in the fridge for a while until the icing hardens, and you will have achieved nirvana.

If you use the new Hershey's Dark Cocoa, I guarantee an involuntary physical reaction (the good kind) upon biting into them.

(Note: This is not aphotograph of my actual brownies. It did not occur to me to serve them on a plate garnished with both white and dark chocolate chips, raspberries, and with a festive red tablecloth and gold mug of what I can only assume is beef gravy. )

I served them over the sink, so as not to get the crumbs all over the couch. Because I am genteel.

Crisis Averted

I figured out the links problem. I know you were really broken up about it, but everything's OK, now, honey.

Jeez, you omit some tiny little quotation marks, and the whole thing goes to hell. (Come to think of it, wasn't that Jayson Blair's problem?) However, after the whole mess, I noticed that it's the same layout as Malcontent Mama's. Sorry, M&M, I didn't mean to ape your style...however, after that crap went down, I'm not changing it back until I understand the HTML thing better.

OK, now that that's all settled, I have nothing specific to say. Today started out cool and rainy, raining out the older girl's swim lesson for the second day in a row. (I'd happily have had the younger girl's swim lesson rained out, but no such luck. Younger Girl is not the adventurous type that Older Girl is, and Younger Girl whines and clings to me for the entire lesson instead of dutifully blowing bubbles and kick kick kicking like all the OTHER babies do. Plus, it's colder than you would think in Austin at 10:00 in the morning, and I do not particularly relish jumping into that pool at that time. And, on Day Two, no less.)

So, I'm new to this game, but I'm told that when you have jack to say, it's time for a meme. I stole this one from Bookhart, who unfortunately used up all the good answers.

I AM: not drunk enough yet to do a good job with this.

I WANT: things I can't have, a distressing amount of the time.

I WISH: that I had an inflatable "Mom" doll to put out, sometimes.

I HATE: everything about George W. Bush and this administration.

I MISS: my old friends that are far-flung, and wish we could see each other more.

I FEAR: that something will happen to upset what is turning out to be a really kick-ass life.

I HEAR: a fly in this house, AGAIN. (I have been on fly jihad all afternoon, damn it!)

I WONDER: what kind of life my kids will have, and I wonder how I'm going to annoy the living fuck out of them when they're having it.

I REGRET: that I didn't go to the Galapagos Islands with my mother when I was in high school because I wanted to spend time with my loser boyfriend. (But mostly, I regret not killing that fly.)

I AM NOT: particularly neat, except when compared to The Man

I DANCE: with The Man to country music, and with my friends to whatever makes us smile, and with my daughters to Joe McDermott.

I SING: karaoke, and I sing it like the angels.

I CRY: when I'm too harsh with the Older Girl.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: that careful with other people's feelings.

I MADE: it through adolescence.

I WRITE: for my job, but not much otherwise, UNTIL NOW.

I CONFUSE: reliability with validity.

I NEED: to exercise more.

I SHOULD: exercise more.

I START: many books (Sorry, Bookhart, that was the best answer! And I couldn't top it! Gaaah!)

I FINISH: far less of them than I should

I TAG: Karla