This House is Clean

It's all over, internet, it's all over.

It was a singularly unpleasant experience from start to finish, but it is DONE.

The actual procedure was strange. They did one of those "waking sedation" things on me, where I was awake, kind of, but don't really remember anything. (Well, I do remember yelling out in pain twice, and them saying "Give her more drugs," and me either screaming "Hell, yes!" or gratefully thinking it. And, I vaguely remember looking at my colon on the TV screen, and thinking, "Hey, there's my colon!")

Afterwards, I had terrible, horrible cramping...enough to make me bend over and cry, people! And do you know what it was? Gas pains! Yes, they apparently INFLATE YOUR INTESTINES for this procedure, causing a shockingly painful bunch of little air pockets in places you didn't even know existed.

I was totally certain they had punctured something, and was sitting there doubled-over and weeping, and...did they give me any pain pills? NO! They send me home with orders to take some ibuprofen and Gas-X! How awful is that? No Darvocet, no lovely Dem-ies, nothing!

Honestly, though, to my great shock and surprise, the nausea caused by that 4 liters of vomitous bilious liquid I swallowed yesterday really held me over insofar as hunger goes. I was not even really hungry after the damn thing was over. But, Mom did offer to take me to Top Notch, and I'm never, ever going to turn that down, so I did have a nice cheeseburger afterwards.

So, after a cheeseburger, a nap, a half-dozen or so Gas-X, and more dinner (crock-pot roast, fresh green beans via HEB "veggies in a bag," and oven-roasted new potatoes, followed by one of my kick-ass brownies that I made for Mom's visit. Screw the diet on a surgery day!), I feel more or less better. I have what feels like a stitch in my side, which is probably still some of those air pockets. (They told me that I have "twisty, kinky intestines." Why does this not come as a shock to me?) But, all in all, I guess I'll have to go to work tomorrow, damn it.

Oh, and by the way, everything's fine. All they found was some of the little bleedy lovelies that we all seem to get after having babies. Love that aging process; I do, I do.

Thanks for all the comments and phone calls. I appreciate your support, everyone! Before this, I didn't know it was so commonplace, and I was really worried when I was told I had to have one of these. I'm glad that it essentially turned out to be nothing more than a shitty day. (Get it? Shitty day?)

Mags' Advice to the World:
1) When they tell you that you have to have a colonoscopy, tell them "No."
2) If they tell you that you really, really have to have one, and they give you the option of drinking the 4 liters of liquid or taking 8 pills every 15 minutes for four hours,
TAKE. THE. PILLS.