Eyes! Hair! Mouth! Figure!

OK, really, just the first three. Working on the figure is not panning out so well this summer. But I still want to be Rainbow High!

I got a coupon for a free Aveda makeup consultation at JR Salon, which is the local somewhat cheaper version of the downtown real ritzy salon. So, not being someone to turn down free anything, I went.

But, see, the thing is, I've never really been that into makeup. (Badger is horrified.) My makeup history is thus: My bad friend Kelley showed me how to put on sparkly purple eyeshadow from Spencers in the seventh grade. Then, Debbie Davis showed me how to put on gray eyeliner in the ninth grade. That's pretty much it. See, my mother only wore eyebrow pencil and lipstick, and made caustic comments about my trashy appearance whenever I tried to wear any around her. And, my sister was not deeply into makeup either, and was seven years older than I was, so she was pretty much in college by the time I cared to learn.

The sum total of makeup regimen has been, for approximately the past 20 years: Mascara, gray eyeliner, lipstick, foundation (very light,) powder (in a compact, cake-style,) blush (ditto.) I wear eyeshadow maybe once or twice a year. I still have the same eyeshadow I had when I moved here 13 years ago, I think. And, cheapskate that I am, with the exception of some Aveda lipsticks, it's usually all Walgreens. Oh, I went "classy Walgreens" a few years ago and started buying L'Oreal, but I'm still strictly low-rent. (However, when it comes to my hair, I am the EXACT OPPOSITE. NOTHING is too good for my hair. I have a neat line of Aveda products in my medicine cabinet that is my pride and joy; to hell with my kids!)

So, with trepidation, but too cheap to turn down a freebee, I went to the salon (and ended up parking six blocks away because the Brazil game was on at Sampaios, the Brazilian restaurant next door. Man, that's an effing party, let me tell you. Must check it out sometime.) Juanita, the makeup lady, was friendly and nonthreatening to a fancy makeup neophyte. When Juanita asked me how I cleansed my skin, I couldn't just tell the truth, which is "soap and water," so I fudged a bit and said I had some nice antioxidant cleanser. That's not technically a lie, because I do own some. I occasionally do remember to put on moisturizer, but it's Oil of Olay from Walgreens, the one with the SPF 15 in it.

So, I got the tour of the Aveda cosmetic line. Apparently, it is all natural, and it is mineral-based, which I am told is VERY IMPORTANT. I will admit, she sold it well, and I listened very closely when she told me how to actually apply makeup. I figured it was about time, what with being 36 and all. And, though I felt like a French whore when I left, I believe I actually looked pretty good.

Interesting thing about the whole "free" makeup session: it's not ACTUALLY free, when you leave with $71 worth of makeup. Then you run over to the local drugstore for $30 worth of brushes and miscellany to apply the $71 worth of makeup WITH, because damn if you're going to buy Aveda brushes for $20 a pop or something like that, right? So, "free" actually translates to "crap, how in the fuck did I just end up spending $100 on fucking makeup?"

I'd have taken a picture of the professional job from yesterday, but my camera was dead. So, today, $400 at Best Buy later, is my attempt to recreate it, just for you:



Damn, you can't even really tell anything in these pictures. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I am wearing, for me, a LOT of makeup. And I spent nearly 15 minutes doing it, whereas before, my motto was: "If it can't be completed at the stoplights between here and work, it's not getting done."

I have to say, I like the look, even if I still hear my mother's comments in my head, thus ensuring that I continued to feel like a French whore throughout my entire visit to the H.E.B. this afternoon. But, nobody propositioned me, so perhaps I'm overreacting.

So, Sienna hair, check. Makeup lessons, check. Charm and poise school...eh, cram that up yer ass. Next up: reducing the thighs and buttOCKS. Lipo! Lipo!