Anyone want a YG?

Omigaw, I'm going to KILL my youngest daughter.

Within the past couple of months, she has developed a case of sensory integration disorder that makes anything the OG went through look like NOTHIN', I tell you.

It started with clothes, probably about a year ago. Some are "TOO TIGHT!" and others are "TOO LOOSE!" and yet still others are "TOO SCRATCHY!" or "TOO OVERALLS!" (a.k.a jeans or denim). As a result, the former clothes horse, and collector of beyootiful fancy dresses, now has a sum total of about five outfits that she will wear.

Sadly, one of those outfits does not happen to be tights and a leotard, which is a damn shame, because her Grandma Shirley very nicely agreed to pay for a semi-expensive Saturday morning dance class for her.

Now, without a doubt, the YG LIKES dance class. She has a nice teacher who does very awesome age-appropriate dancey activities, and a class full o'four year olds that are diabetes-inducing SWEET.

HOWEVER, this does not stop her from having a goddamn 20-minute temper tantrum Every. Saturday. Morning. When it is time to get dressed. It does not matter that she likes the class. It does not matter that she knows she will quickly get used to the tights (specially purchased with NO FEET IN THEM, due to the "lines in the toes" debacle of Week One).

It does not matter that she knows we will put them on anyway, despite the tantrum, and that we will go to class anyway, sobbing and sniffling notwithstanding. Positive reinforcement does not work. This week we will try to dress her in them the night before, but I am reasonably sure that this will just be a disaster scheduled for Friday night instead of Saturday morning.

The worst part of all this, however, is her most sensitive reaction...and this is to chewing. More to the point, MY chewing.

Now, I DO NOT chew with my mouth open. The Man, horrifically sensitive to this himself, would never have gone on a second date with me if I did. (Hello, genetics! This is ALL HIS FUCKIN' FAULT.) Sometimes it's the OG that bothers her - who does in fact chew with her mouth open - but usually, it's just me.

No, the YG does not like the sound - or SIGHT - of me chewing, just normally. Gum, food, anything. We have now gone through several weeks of shrieking fits because I'm...um, EATING. Or fucking CHEWING GUM, because I'm on a fucking diet and can't fucking eat anything. And, I chew gum on the way home from work, when I'm hungry...so, when I pick her up, it often results in her shrieking the entire way home, kicking the back of my seat, howling "I CAN STILL HEAR YOU CHEWING! I CAN STILL HEAR YOU CHEWING!", with her hands clapped over her ears.

Tonight - after being sent to time out for quite some time due to today's car incident - she emerged for dinner. When she saw me at the table, she whimpered "I...JUST...DON'T WANT DINNER!" and left the room. (The OG - who is THE AWESOMEST GIRL IN THE WORLD ALL THE TIME THESE DAYS - just smirked, ate her tacos, and not-so-subtly talked about how good HER dessert was gonna taste.)

So, at about 7:00 - me all done, of course - my miserable, hungry, four-year-old comes out and says, "I'm ready to eat my dinner now."

What am I gonna say to that? No? No food for you, you crazy insane lunatic? Because I swear, I was effin' tempted to do JUST THAT.

Time to go do research on THIS ONE now. I've got "Sensational Kids" on my Amazon list...anyone got another one that they like?

---------------------------------
Oh, and Your Daily Palin:


She cannot name ONE. NEWSPAPER. AND SHE WAS A JOURNALISM MAJOR!!!

"Oh, yah, I read ALL of 'em, Katie!"

Gaah. You know, the conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if they're not totally setting us up for the debates. Like, we think she's going to be a gibbering idiot, but it turns out to be a big lie, and she's not really.

Mark my words, they are going to say she won the debate if she can utter her full name without stumbling over it. This is what is going to happen.

I woke up this morning feeling guilty about the mocking video I posted yesterday about Sarah Palin.

You know, it's the typical liberal thing to do, to sit around feeling guilty for pissing someone off, or even for potentially pissing someone off. I hate that we do this to ourselves, because the right wing seems to never give a damn what ground they scorch with their attacks.

And yet, I still fall prey to this manner of thinking, no matter how much I detest it, and perceive as weakness, in the political party that I generally support.

Now that I think about it, really, though, isn't it really rooted in human decency, this regret that people might have been angered or hurt by our words? I mean, I know it doesn't help my political bedfellows, and tends to get us laughed at by most everyone...but isn't it really sort of, you know, traditionally the role of (dare I say) the RELIGIOUS, to be concerned about others?

Whatever. I know we're ridiculous. We liberals continue to be the geeks in the locker room, pushed against the wall with our pants pulled down.

Nonetheless, though I do aspire to the ranks of Internet Snark Queen, I still do wish to be a force of relative good in the world. So, in the tradition of good liberals everywhere, I wish to provide a brief equivocation.

Sarah, my friend. I've been harsh on you.

Let me be clear: I do not think that you and I would hate each other, if, say, we worked together. I think we would probably have very nice conversations at the copier (though I might suddenly have to busy myself looking about the room for toner if you started going on about how great your church is).

I will go so far as to say that I believe my readers in Alaska when they say that they think she is a reasonably good governor. I'm not there, who am I to say? Her policies are anathema to mine, but I hear that, really, she's not as bad as a lot of the hard-core Republicans up there. I personally think that sounds like a comparison of, say, black bears to grizzly bears, in the "Which do I want at my picnic?" scenario, but...hey. Like I said, you live in your state, and I'm not to judge.

(Oh, by the way? Our governor? Rick Perry. The awesomest quote of last week? Not Palin, not McCain. Rick Perry, who said, regarding Hurricane Ike (and our recently-arsoned Governor's Mansion: "I absolutely understand they want to get back to their homes ... I'd like to get back to the mansion.")

Perhaps it is not fair to post one clip from an interview, in which a tongue-tied Sarah clearly panicked, and reverted to talking points out of sheer desperation. (However, there were obviously others, including the awesomeness about Putin rearing his head over Alaska.) God knows Joe Biden (a.k.a. Gaffey McGaffesalot) puts his effin' foot in his mouth on a regular basis, and I could easily find an hour's worth of his blowhardy nonsense to post for funnin'.

And, believe me, I could, in no way, shape or form, do any of these interviews. I'm OK on a keyboard, but tend to stammer over my words in real-life conversation, and have inconvenient mental lapses JUST when I need to have all the facts at my disposal to hammer a point home to some jackass who questions me.

However...

I am NOT running for VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

And, if Barack had put in the call to me to run with him, I would have said..."Um, NO. Because I am not smart enough. And I did too much stupid shit in college. And I'm a big pussy, and I'd cry if people called me fat. So...NO."

So, what is that soft liberal center of me saying about Sarah? Honestly, it wants me to feel sorry for her. As Kathleen Parker (!) said, today, she is clearly out of her league. I can just envision her asking Todd to spirit her away from all this crap, and bring her back home to Alaska, where they like her, and do not expect her to spout forth wisdom on topics she never considered until three weeks ago.

My old age brings me, however, to a kind of hardened cynicism. I do feel sorry for you, Sarah, that you got roped into this situation. Hey, you guys may pull this thing out and win, yet...what do I know?

However, if you don't, then please remember that this was, ultimately, your choice. You could have known your limitations and refused; however, you chose to believe your own arrogance and ambition rather than the nose on your face.

So, in that respect, I feel that publishing your words as you uttered them - and mocking them accordingly - is not off-base. This is the national spotlight. Is it everything you wanted?

Debate-watchin' time. I've got my bowl of pretzels and my fizzy water at the ready.

Please slam him to the mat, B.O.

This video made me laugh so hard...

...that I threw up in my mouth a little:

(Go on, do it, it's only a minute and a half.)

Oh, hell yes, mama, throw every RNC talking point you can fit in there, and see if any of that shit sticks. Don't worry if it makes sense!

Lord, I have never liked Katie Couric so much as I do, right now, just because of the look she shoots Palin at about 1:01.

Internets, I challenge you...what EXACTLY was Katie thinking at that, precise moment? (Funniest interpretation wins the Mags Award for Internet Snarkiness, Thursday Edition!)

Head...Exploding!

Can't...handle...the cognitive...dissonance!

Oh, PEOPLE. Have you been watching the news today? Have you? OH, HAVE YOU NOW? BECAUSE I HAVE.

And...I just...have no words to describe the idiocy that I have witnessed on this day.

But, I shall try.

OK. Breathing.

So, internets and history, just to sum up: Today, in one, approximately twelve-hour period, the following shiite went down:

1) Barack Obama calls John McCain to propose a bipartisan resolution on the economy.

2) John McCain does not return Obama's call.

3) He then STEALS OBAMA'S IDEA and suddenly declares he wants to cancel the debates.

4) He then declares he's suspending campaigning because of the great emergency the country faces.

5) HOWEVER, he is not in such a hurry as to postpone his luncheon with his wealthy endorser Lady de Rothschild.

6) He then cancels his visit to David Letterman, because of the great emergency.

7) HOWEVER, he then does not go running to Washington, but instead to...Katie Couric, where he sits for an interview...IN THE SAME STUDIO AS DAVID LETTERMAN. Who of course finds out, and CALLS THEM UP during the interview to mock him.

8) McCain's folks come out oohing and ahhing over what a statesman he is, and how he's "putting his country first."

9) HOWEVER, some douchebag campaign worker in Colorado accidentally releases the McCain "Postponement Talking Points" to the media...effectively putting EVEN THIS lame-ass conclusion to the lie that it is.

10) THEN, our favorite girl Sarah gets on Katie Couric, and in the course of this interview, she spouts some super-intelligent verbiage, including this line, when Couric asked for examples of McCain's prior policies: “I’ll try to find you some [examples] and I’ll bring them to you.”

11) Seriously. If Katie Couric is eating you alive in an interview, how fucking dumb are you?

12) THEN, the McCain campaign suggests that the presidential debate be rescheduled for...wait for it...October 2.

13) Which is THE NIGHT OF THE VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES. Which would conveniently then need to be "postponed or cancelled."

14) Because clearly there's no OTHER night that it could be rescheduled for. At all.

15) Oh, god. They are so horrible and cynical.

16) THEY THINK SHE'S FINE TO BE VICE PRESIDENT - OR PRESIDENT, GOD FORBID, BUT SHE CAN'T STAND UP IN A G-D DEBATE OR SIT FOR AN INTERVIEW?

17) Ow! OW OW OW!

Please help me. I need an intervention.

---------------------------------------
In other news, I have...ahem...employed a personal trainer at my gym, in a last-ditch effort to force myself to lift weights and do squats (which I will never, EVER do if given half a chance to avoid it. I'll do cardio all day long, but damn, I hate to make my muscles hurt.)

It's been kind of cool so far, even if that means I have to converse with - and I hate to stereotype, but let's be frank here - GYM PEOPLE.

No big changes yet, although I can now do several sets of lunges all the way across the gym and back, with weights.

I don't look GOOD doing it, but I CAN do it.

Your Poem For The Day

From Garrison Keillor's Writer's Almanac:

Windows Is Shutting Down

Windows is shutting down, and grammar are
On their last leg. So what am we to do?
A letter of complaint go just so far,
Proving the only one in step are you.

Better, perhaps, to simply let it goes.
A sentence have to be screwed pretty bad
Before they gets to where you doesnt knows
The meaning what it must of meant to had.

The meteor have hit. Extinction spread,
But evolution do not stop for that.
A mutant languages rise from the dead
And all them rules is suddenly old hat.

Too bad for we, us what has had so long
The best seat from the only game in town.
But there it am, and whom can say its wrong?
Those are the break. Windows is shutting down.

(Guardian, April 27, 2005)

Ehhh...I got nothin.

Nothing to see here; move along.

Still obsessed with the election? Check.
Watching the Emmys? But of course.
Still locked into increasingly anti-social behaviors? Umm...I did get out to see some people last night, so, perhaps that's getting better. But not much interaction planned in the foreseeable future.
Still struggling with the diet and in limiting my alcohol consumption appropriate to this task, but doing awesome on the exercising? Yeppers.
Still have far too many domesticated animals in this 1,800 square foot house? You betcha.

Fine. FINE. I'll do the damn food meme too.

1. How do you like your eggs?
Any way at all, except maybe soft-boiled. Poached or fried, over easy, with a hot, runny yolk, and no clear white. Scrambled in omelettes, breakfast tacos, stratas (stratae?), quiches, etc. I loves me some eggs. I have them (or, more frequently, their soulless substitute, Egg Beaters,) every single day. It's not just the kids who dig "Breakfast for Dinner" nights at our house, which would probably be the most shameful night in the month for most mothers worth their salt.

And, speaking of salt, it tastes good on eggs.

2. How do you take your coffee/tea?
Coffee, preferably, though I like a cup of hot tea in the afternoons, and some sleepy sort of tea at night. It used to be black, but recently I've been putting a splash of skim milk in. Half-and-half is awesome, but that's only for non-dieting days, of which there are few. I usually only get that for company...but gleefully drink up the leftovers after they're gone.

3. Favorite breakfast food:
Seriously? Would you ask me to choose my favorite child?

OK, um...let's see. Eggs. Next runners up: bacon, breakfast tacos, hot, homemade buttermilk biscuits with butter, really outstandingly crisp fried potato products (possibly with cheese and cream and porcini mushrooms in some combination,) cinnamon rolls (but only really really good ones, and only in combination with some sort of protein). Sometimes that white-trashy casserole with the eggs and the sausage and the cheese and the crescent rolls. Sometimes cold pizza, but not so much since college.

4. Peanut butter:
Ooooh, yes. Lots and lots of it. I'm finally an all-natural gal on the P.B.. Creamy or chunky; it does not matter. What matters is that there always must be at least two jars at my house, one in the cabinet (for The Man,) and one in the fridge (for the rest of us, who prefer our peanut butter be cold, and not separatey).

5. What kind of dressing on your salad?
Whatever's diet, and in my fridge. I think it's South Beach Ranch right now. Oh, there's lots of them that I really like - anything in the creamy caesar/parmesan/peppercorn family, or Sesame Garlic Sass, or Girard's Champagne. However, I don't buy them anymore...I just buy whatever has the least calories. Sigh.

6. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke. But it's a reasonably rare occurrence (less than monthly, and usually involving a hangover or the stomach flu) so when I have one, it is a REAL Coke, and not a Diet Coke.

7. You're feeling lazy. What do you make?
Soft tacos with leftover chicken, ground turkey, or hamburger, along with black beans, shredded cheese, and vegetables, and leftover rice, if we have any. (maybe frozen or canned corn, if that's all we have).

8. You're feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?
Cheese for the kiddos. If it's a standard pizza place, then some kind of combo with pepperoni and green olives playing a starring role. If it's a more gourmet-y type of place, then something with goat cheese or gorgonzola and chicken and rosemary often makes an appearance. If it's Mangia, then spinach stuffed. Always.

9. You feel like cooking. What do you make?
Standard dieting mode? Pan-seared, good-quality fish, with steamed or briefly roasted fresh vegetables, and a (small) bit of good crusty bread.

When I'm not in diet mode, I make an outstanding pan of green chile/sour cream enchiladas. Also, I make good chili (diet-turkey style and normal,) veggie lasagna, eggplant parmesan, and mole sauce. I don't bake a lot of things that require finesse, but I'm pretty good with cookies, biscuits, and brownies/cakes/pies...though I just cannot do a pie crust like my mother and grandmother did.

10. Do any foods bring back good memories?
Golly, yes. Thanksgiving foods, of course; crouton stuffing and cranberry sauce and the mashed potatoes that they eventually left to me to make, because I always insisted on the real deal and not powdered. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup made with milk make me think of sick days and snow days. The cinnamon nut rolls at The Kolache Shoppe on Burnet taste just like my grandmother's pecan rolls. I eat one, and I'm suddenly a nine-year-old at Christmas.

11. Do any foods bring back bad memories?
Can't think of any foods, only many, many, types of alcohol.

12. Do any foods remind you of someone?
Oh, yeah, every day. I think there is a food I associate with almost everyone I know. Is that weird?

13. Is there a food you refuse to eat?
Circus peanuts, candy corn. Anything in the spongy orange candy spectrum, actually. I'll take a bite of flan whenever someone has it, to see if I finally like it...but I will always hate it. Whiskey, scotch, bourbon, etc.

14. What was your favorite food as a child?
Crab legs at Red Lobster. Canadian Bacon pizza. Sweet-n-sour pork.

15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like?
Macaroni and cheese, hot sauce/salsas.

16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate?
Any Hostess product. Sugary cereals with faux marshmallows. (But I will now and always love Captain Crunch).

17. Favorite fruit and vegetable:
Fruit: Raspberries.
Vegetable: Hmmm. Right now, it's brussels sprouts. It changes with the season, though.

18. Favorite junk food:
Fried potatoes in any form. Jalapeno cream cheese poppers. Hot wings, BYFO are best.

19. Favorite between meal snack:
Progreso Light Soup or a small can of tuna, sadly. Really, though, it's good bread with some peanut butter on it.

20. Do you have any weird food habits?
Not that I consider weird, of course. As stated, The Man think it is odd that I refrigerate my peanut butter. And, also, that I like a slice of cheddar cheese on apple pie. (It's a midwest thing. Maybe just a Missouri thing, I don't know.)

21. You're on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?
Diet soup with cabbage, steamed vegetables, sliced turkey breast, tuna

22. You're off your diet. Now what would you like?
Wine, chocolate, more sourdough bed...and can you pass the peanut butter, more bacon, and some triple-cream brie, please? (And yes, you may then have your way with me.)

23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?
Medium. I think I want it super-spicy, until I actually get it that way, when I remember that I'm much more braggy than my actual palate can handle.

24. Can I get you a drink?
I shouldn't. But O.K.

25. Red or White Wine?
Depends entirely on how hot it is outside. It's been nice to drink reds this past week. (O'course, though, it's been punishing for the past two days.)

26. Favorite dessert?
Dark chocolate dense truffly creamy cake-shaped somethings.

27. The perfect nightcap?
Like I said, some sort of sleepy tea. I like Get Some Zzzzs.

In fact, sounds good.
----------------------------
Hey, Mad Men won Best Drama! Christina Hendricks was about to come right out of that dress.

Looove her.

Oh, damn! I missed International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

I ALWAYS miss International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

DAAAAAAARRN!!

But of COURSE you can see more pictures of Stella!

Everybody loves the kitten.The kids:

The dog:

Curbie (her identical, yet two years older and completely unrelated, twin):

And, The Man, who - as I've previously noted, plays the curmudgeon well - actually took all these pictures, while cooing "Awww...Mags, come and see this!"

However, there is the matter of this shelter cat I'm considering adopting.

SHE - though possessing of significant and endearing cat/person adoration - DOES NOT LIKE THE KITTEN. Or Patsy, our old cat who couldn't care less about all this foolishness. Or the dog. Or ESPECIALLY not Curbie.

Meet Iris (nee Shirley):

I am really not sure what to do about Iris. I've literally, in my 38 years (and not one day over, bitch, even if my birthday is coming up,) NEVER met a cat that was more into people. She is very, super-fabulously sweet...BUT, there's the matter of the bloodcurdling screeching three times a day when Curbie walks in the room. (To be fair, though, Curbie is a total dick. A handsome, smug, charming little fucker, but a dick nonetheless. He's kind of the Jude Law of cats.)

Anyone want a totally lovely cat? Who doesn't already have a cat?

Are there even such people in the world?

Yer funny for the day

Sunday Muggy Sunday

It's late afternoon, and I'm watching the aftermath of Hurricane Ike on all the teevees. Galveston and the seaside Houston suburbs look just decimated. It's horrible, and breathtaking.

Our across-the-street neighbors have their parents in from Houston - Kemah, actually, which is a suburb that has been photographed a lot yesterday and today, as it got pretty heavily damaged. They have no idea what their house looks like, and probably will not have any way of finding out for several days, if even then. I cannot even imagine what that must feel like.

That being said, I feel like we dodged a bullet to some degree, here. It was bad, but it really could have been so much worse. The storm surge was not quite as bad as expected, and it appears that, for the most part, people got out, and did so in an orderly fashion, to plenty of shelters around the state.

(I note this in direct contrast to the clusterfucked exodus from Hurricane Rita three years ago, in which 9 people died in the storm, but ONE HUNDRED AND TEN people died in the evacuation. That nightmare will, I hope, NEVER be forgotten.)

Sadly, though, NONE of the rain hit Austin. Not one effing drop. Two counties over, they had three inches of rain; we sit, as parched as ever, grass and trees crisping and withering. I still have banana peppers - because apparently they are the cockroaches of the vegetable garden - but everything else looks deeply, deeply sad (even my tomatoes, which may have been the most successful tomato plants I have ever had). It's ironic - in the Alanis Morrissette way, which is to say not "ironic" at all, but "bittersweet" or "interesting" - that my friends in Fayetteville, Arkansas, and in Chicago, will see more of Hurricane Ike than we did.

And the Austin forecast? More of the same. Oh they say it'll be slightly cooler. (Only in Austin would the weathercasters be raving about a "cold front" coming in that will lower our high temperatures to 86 degrees. In September.) No rain is expected, but, inexplicably, it's still supposed to be humid. Never can figure out how that works.

Anyways, much goodwill to our statemates in the east. I hope everyone reading this from there is OK, and everyone's families are, as well. (Glad to hear the brother's OK, Karla.) We're heading up to donate to the food bank in a bit; probably to the Red Cross as well.

------------------------------------
Stella, the spazzy kitten, appears to be working out. She's a big hit with the kiddos, of course, and even with The Man (who plays the curmudgeon, but who has a deep soft spot for animals).

Here's the thing, though. Like I said, the decision to get the kitten was a very impulsive one. I, um, ALSO, sort of, made a verbal promise to this cat shelter lady last week to look at this sweet, but formerly abused, full-grown cat named Shirley*.

AND, um...I was not exactly forthcoming about all this to The Man.

So...don't tell him, OK?

*Shirley is my mother-in-law's name, so if this is going to happen, then she'll have to be renamed. Do we like "Rosie" or "Iris?" How about "Poverty-Inducing Li'l Parasite?"

He Is My Density

I realize that I'm waxing a bit obsessive as of late on Mad Men, but...as Karla would say, DAYUM. Just look at Jon Hamm, will you? Because he's, um...PERFECT?

Yes, you all can look. But, that is all. He is truly meant for just me.

Want to know how I know?

I just found out that he graduated from...the UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI.

And he was there WHEN I WAS THERE*.

And he was...wait for it...

An English major. JUST LIKE ME**.

AND...

HE HUNG OUT AT THE BLUE NOTE.

Aiieee!!

And, here's the freaky thing. All this time I've been watching Mad Men, I've been IMDB'ing him, wondering where on earth I had seen him before. He's been on a bunch of shows, but nothing I had seen.

I am thinking that I fucking had a CLASS with this man. Could it be?

And do you think that if I met him, and suddenly broke into a rousing chorus of the "Tiger Fight Song," that he would sharply and immediately grab me by the shoulders and pull me in for a passionate, sexy-stubbly kiss?

Because I am fairly certain that he would.

____________________________________
*He graduated in '93, me in Winter '91.

**He did theater there, too. I did some...I was only one class away from a minor in it, but I was all backstage/stagecraft. Arky Trish, does he look familiar?

***He also went to UT for a brief time. It's just too much of a coincidence. He's mine.

aaaaahhhhhh

OMG, ppl. I am in a full-blown anxiety attack about the election, and it is NINE WEEKS AWAY.

My symptoms?

• General sleeplessness and angst. I realized tonight that I have effectively been pacing since I got home from work. My head hurts. Friday night, I was awake, worrying, until 1:30 A-fucking-M. Not watching TV, not reading...just worrying.

• I am compulsively reading Wonkette, Electoral-Vote.Com, Salon, and Daily Kos. Seriously, like five-six times A DAY. APIECE.

• Over the course of the last week, I gave money THREE TIMES. Twice to Barack Obama and once to MoveOn.Org. Not a lot. We don't have a lot. But, still, THREE TIMES in a WEEK. (I gave the most during Palin's speech.)

• It is getting very very difficult to avoid my evening glass(es) of wine, diet or no diet.

• Irrational kitten acquisition:

Stellaluna. "Stella," for short. Eight weeks old. NO, THIS WAS NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT. I TOLD you I needed to start drinking again.

Hey, she was free with a bag of food at my vet's office. Now, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Hey, I thought I was joking in my last post...but it turns out Wasilla really IS the meth capital of Alaska.

Hey, what can I say? I'm from Missouri! I can smell good meth across an entire continent.

Urgh. They're TALKING again.

I wanted to liveblog the Republican convention, but I have to keep turning it off every few minutes or so.

I got through Huckabee OK, but Rudy 9iul1an1? Just can't stomach that rat weasel.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I still don't care what your daughter did, or whether your husband makes John Edwards look like a piker on the faithfulness front. You have my permission to have whatever sordid little snowbilly life you want.

(Hell, I'm no one to judge; I married a man from Rockdale, TX. And, besides, I don't want to make anyone mad up there, because their little meth teeth are already ground down far enough.)

However, Sarah...may I call you Sarah?

I care VERY deeply that your effing party has seen to it that "abstinence-based sex education" is the only way that MY children will be taught in this bass-ackward state. Again, I don't judge, but, *cough* how well is that working out for you?

I am horrified and repulsed by your statement that "Iraq is a task from God." I loathe your stance that opposes abortion in ALL CASES, INCLUDING RAPE AND INCEST. The fact that you are a creationist, and yet are still ostensibly taken seriously as a CANDIDATE IN THIS COUNTRY, is beyond my comprehension.

Wait a minute, I have to interrupt... OH MY GOD RUDY GIULIANI IS A VILE RAT BASTARD WEASEL ASSFACE.

Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes, SARAH.

You "don't believe" in global warming. You worked to get the polar bear off the endangered species list. You cut social services...um, to unwed mothers! You were totally for millions of dollars in earmarks to your state, until you were suddenly a big reformer!

Oh, and DUDE. You prance onto my television, and you DARE to utter the name of Hillary Clinton? Hillary, who was forged into being a worthy candidate in the WHITE-HOT FLAMES of scrutiny? Oh, I want Joe Biden to make some comment about that in the debates...."I know Hillary Clinton, maam, and you, YOU, are NO Hillary Clinton."

Oh, there is so much to fight you on, and none of it has to do with your family or personal life. It is on, lady, IT IS ON.

*I kids me some Alaskans. Your meth teeth are really cute, actually!

For those who know me, and especially those that know me well, I apologize. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I have been studiously avoiding social contact for the past several weeks. I haven't gone anywhere, and I haven't called anybody.

It must be returning to work. It always throws me for a few weeks, the daily grind beginning again, after 10 weeks off. Somehow, though, it seems harder this year.

This may be due to the fact that I changed offices. It took so effing long to move all my stuff between the two offices, and then it took another full day to get out all of the existing stuff that the preceding person had left in there. It was really a whole week before I was substantively and technologically "in" to my new place, and then another whole week before I had enough people's names down to make a specific plan as to what to do, and when. So, as it's been, now, two full weeks since I went back but have yet to accomplish - oh, anything, really - I really have to hit the ground with my figurative chainsaw drawn tomorrow.

And yet, I don't want to. I want to lie around my house, or go to the gym, or watch Mad Men/ Project Runway/Weather Porn/college football/CNN on the TV. I want to go back to the lake like we did today, thanks to Bill and Julie. I want to drink a bottle of cheapo Vinho Verde and giggle lazily with The Man. I want to play with the girls on the trampoline, and to stay up until 2 AM playing poker. I want to do ANYTHING but work, and by definition, to have to interact with the world.

Sadly, though, I've got nine more months to go. So, I shall steel myself, and do what needs to be done. I will also endeavor to begin calling people again, and perhaps to keep - or to make - some engagements.

Honestly, though, there's not much to report on the home front. I've been super fabulous on my "40 by 40" weight loss and fitness kick...or, I was, up until yesterday, when I broke my nearly month-long moratorium on alcohol. I tell ya, though I did not get drunk, I am not able to drink ANYTHING and lose weight. Not one damn glass of red wine can pass my lips if I want to have any success, because with ONE DRINK, I suddenly lose all inhibitions about what I will eat. I think it makes me a little sick to my stomach, so I immediately must have a cheeseburger/two slices of pizza/10 handfuls of chips to soak it up. And, of course, since I've eaten, I might as well have more to drink, no?

However, I'm committed, and really don't have any more intentions of drinking or eating beyond my limits for weight loss. That's one thing about working; I have a much easier time restricting my food intake when I'm busy than when I'm not. At work, I can really survive just fine on Egg Beaters for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine for lunch; this is just not the case during the summer.

I joined a new gym by my new office. I liked my old gym, Body Business, a lot, but proximity is a big key to my gym attendance. If I have no choice but to drive past it on my way home, I will likely go. However, if I have to drive out of my way to see it, or if it's inconvenient insofar as the "picking up of the kids" ritual goes, I will likely never attend.

So, I sadly dropped the Body Business membership in favor of this new gym, which I will hereafter refer to as "24-Year-Old Fitness." I know what I need to do, and will just get in there and do it without too much fuss, but I think I already hate this place. It's totally crowded and loud, and, as perhaps alluded to in my snarky nickname, it's just so...young. Like, UT student young. (Honestly, why do they go there? They HAVE a nice gym. They should just keep their taut little bodies away from the real people, you know?)

Anyway, for several weeks now, I've worked out, I've dieted, I've been totally sober, and I've started taking th' hormones. You'd think I'd be like 10 pounds thinner, but, sadly, it's more like four. (Maybe three, after eating and drinking yesterday. Oh, all right, today, too.)

Ah, well, the journey of a thousand steps - or "40 by 40," as it were - starts with four, no?

Oh, and yes, I've been marveling over the Sarah Palin VP choice. Some of you know that I read the right-wing websites - the super-crazy ones - a LOT. Like, way too much, honestly. I'm just fascinated by the way they think, and want to know what they're saying about us. Well, they've been loving her for MONTHS now, and were just absolutely delighted that she got chosen.

So, I honestly wasn't too surprised when McCain went for her, though I admit to being a little shocked at his brazenness, his cynicism, and his presumptuousness. I am outraged that he would be so presumptuous as to assume that I might vote for this person, whose opinions are anathema to EVERYTHING I hold dear, simply on the basis of her gender. I am repulsed by the notion that this would, or could, work on ANYONE.

This is not to slander the woman. I've seen a lot of that buzzing around teh interwebs, and I reject that wholeheartedly. I'm sure that she's not evil, and that I could have a perfectly lovely conversation with her in the lounge at work, you know? And, I think that we underestimate her at our peril.

However, this is not to say that I think that Joe Biden shouldn't mop the floors with her in the debate. If she's in this, I say, let her be IN THIS, and if she doesn't know her shit, then let the chips fall where they may.

And, if Joe falls behind in the debates, he can always bring up the fact that an anagram of "Sarah Heath Palin" is "Ha ha Alpine Trash."