Where to begin? Ah, yes, the omnipresent iPod meme...

(Note: I, being of a certain age (36,) and a certain demographic group (you know that horrible stereotype of the two children, marriage, mortgage, soccer games, piano lessons, and an energy-efficient, fiberglass station wagon? That one.), have not actually HAD an iPod up until this week. And it's a second-hand one, 'cause the whole extra $350 for the SWEET 60 gig video-playing I'm-so-sexy-look-at-me-because-with-this-in-my-hand-I-look-25 one is not a reality. Did I mention the two kids? And the mortgage?

And thus I shuffle...

How does the world see you?
"Walking Boss" - The Damnations. Hell yeah.

Will I have a happy life?
"Digga Digga Do" - The Asylum Street Spankers. I digga digga life. Yes I do. "You love me and I love you." Sounds about right. He's pretty goddamn amazing. But he has a tendency to get a big head, so I can't tell him that too much. Stop reading this, honey. I mean, you evil bastard.

What do my friends really think of me?
"Rhyme the Rhyme Well" - The Beastie Boys. They think I have mad hip-hop skills. Or that I curse like a sailor.

What do people secretly think of me?
"Come On Darkness" - Camper Van Beethoven. Absolutely. They think of the darkness at the center of my core. I'm very, very dark. Darkaroony, that's me. Or they think I might run away with David Lowery if he asked. Or if he didn't. He didn't, right?

How can I be happy?
"Hurt" - Johnny Cash. I can be happy if I make you hurt. That's because that's the only thing that's real. Actually, I think it's saying that I can be happy if I strike up a nasty heroin addiction. That's something I've been meaning to explore.

Will I ever have children?
"How Come You Don't Call" - Alycia Keys. The real father of my children? He never calls.

What is some good advice for me?
"Where it's At" - Beck. Bottles and cans, and just clap your hands, and just clap your hands.

How will I be remembered?
"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" - Abba. I will be remembered for the greedy, grasping bitch I am.

This thing is freaking psychic. I'm a believer, Mr. Old iPod! You have seen the world, and you are my teacher.

What is my signature dancing song?
"Be Good Or Be Gone" - Buckwheat Zydeco. I really fell in love with the man on our first trip to Louisiana, where he took me cajun and zydeco dancing in tiny little towns near Baton Rouge. The man loves to dance. (You know the guys that won't be the only ones on the dance floor? That's not him.) Listening to this song makes me want to abandon the children and take off with him to undetermined steamy Louisiana backwaters and cut a serious rug.

What do I think my current theme song is?
"Material Girl" - Madonna. Jesus. My iPod is Jesus.

What does everyone else think my theme song is:
"I am a Man of Constant Sorrow." Because I have no friends to help me down.

What song will play at my funeral?
"Baby, Please Come Home" - U2. I hope it works.

What is my day going to be like?
"Pressure Zone" - Beck. Actually, not so much; the school year is ending. I'm boxing and gossiping, that's pretty much it.