Monday, January 19, 2009


Dear W,

At last, at LAST, it is time for us to say goodbye. Eight years? Seems like fifty.

I'm not going to lie to you; I never liked you. Oh, yes, way back in the day, when you were just the ineffectual governor of my state, I might have murmured something less than completely hostile about you from time to time, such as "Oh, well, he's not particularly racist, for a Republican."

(Which does appear to be true, if I can still summon up the will to cut him the tiniest sliver of a break. At least personally, I don't think he's racist, nor do I think he hates immigrants with the slobbering vitriol that his cohorts in the right--wing base do. There you go.)

However, even then, I didn't buy any of this "affable" crap. I HATE it when people use that word to describe you. You are the farthest thing from "affable" that I can think of. You are, in fact, a sullen, spoiled little frat boy with a cruel streak, and the diametric opposite of any person that "I would have a beer with."

I am so tired of your smirking, stupid voice. "Nails on a chalkboard" would be the most charitable comparison. Towards the end, it was more like a broomstick in a generator. For at least the past six years, I have turned off HOW many news programs because, unbidden, the howl would escape from my lips..."Oh, god, he's TALKING again!"...and off it would go.

I'd love to write here all of the reasons I hate you so, so much, but the length of that list is, quite frankly, daunting. I'd have to neglect my children's dinner, and their bedtime, and quite possibly getting them to school in the morning. (And, there is already a super awesome one here, as it turns out.) But, here's...oh, 15 reasons, off the top of my head:

1) Iraq - everything, EVERYTHING - 4000+ American lives, "greeting us with roses," lies, treason, "yellowcake," "Mission Accomplished," an occupation that will last us 100 years. Dear lord, I just...I just weep.

2) Katrina - no explanation necessary. This response was one of the most vile stains on our nation's history. Heckuva job.

3) Abu Ghraib

4) Gitmo

5) The outing of Valerie Plame - which is by definition, a SECURITY BREACH, you paranoid jingoist BASTARDS - as retaliation for her husband writing an editorial.

6) The Bush/Cheney/Gonzalez-orchestrated purging of justice department employees who were not considered sufficient party loyalists - and then LYING about the reason, thus smearing their reputation immeasurably, and unfairly, and GOD I HATE THEM

7) The appointment of TWO Supreme Court justices that, even now, if given a chance, will set back the rights of women forty years

8) Ignoring the "Bin Laden Determined To Attack Within the US" memo (August, 2001)

9) The 2000 election by judicial fiat (oh, man, the "Brooks Brothers Riot," Katherine Harris, "Sore-Loserman"... ah, memories!)

10) Jeff Gannon, Male Prostitute

11) Enron

12) Paying conservative "journalists" to shill for No Child Left Behind

13) No Child Left Behind (a.k.a. "No Child Left Untested")

14) John Ashcroft, my homeboy; singer of patriotic harmony and coverer of statue boobs

15) One word...Cheney! I'm almost inspired to compose something to the tune of "Maria." (Almost. Because to do so would be to spend valuable minutes of my life thinking of him. And that I will not do.)

It's so time for you to go now. It was so time four - eight - years ago. You - you - incurious, ignorant, ungracious little man. If you had had any sense of yourself, and your own limitations, you would have refused their cynical kingmaking scheme in the first place, and not let this travesty occur in the first place.

As I've stated before, I do not think Barack Obama is the messiah. I believe he is a politician, although a preternaturally gifted one. And, I will admit to rolling my eyes a bit when the MSNBC anchors tonight were talking about a lady being saved from choking today at an inauguration dinner, and the Hudson River plane crash, as the "beginning of the Obama miracles." (Tongue-in-cheek, one assumes...but, hey, have you WATCHED MSNBC lately?)

But, nevertheless, I am so, so happy, to have someone leading this nation that is not a worldwide laughing stock. Who has thoughts. Of his own. Who converses with others he disagrees with. Who has READ A BOOK or two. Who can speak in complete sentences.

BO; welcome, sir. I sit, tonight, in great anticipation of tomorrow. I fully expect to haul my li'l 12-inch TV to work, and I'll watch every second that I can.

GWB; I hope never to hear your voice again. (Although, truth be told, I might prefer it slightly over Palin's.) Please enjoy your time in Dallas with the other rich white bastards in your gated community. We'd prefer if you stay locked behind the gates, though; we don't really want your kind mixing with the civilized folks.

Goodbye. Don't let the front door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

We're done.


Lee said...

The Backwards Bush counter is completely off.

Karla May said...

Insanely well written, MB. The only thing I'll miss about this administration is all the wicked comedy fodder that they provided for The Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

If I never seen W's doofus face again or that surly snarl of Cheney's, it'll be too soon.

Jaye Joseph said...

Thank you. That was perfect and I couldn't have said it better myself.

pete in nb said...

Tears in my eyes....
You said it all for me. I know, I know, we should look to Obama's example of being gracious and forgiving. But...what a rotten, horrible, wasted 8 years.

Thanks for your post. It's beautiful.

Bookhart said...

You always say things exaccle right.